IT is with great sadness that we announce, this evening, the divorce of Dublin GAA. This abrupt sundering of Clucko from Cian, Michael Darragh from Diarmuid, has been rendered unavoidable by recent developments.
The divorce papers will quote "irreconcilable differences" between the two halves of this once perfect couple. Together, they simple got too big for their collective boots, having the temerity to win one All-Ireland senior title in the last 17 years, two in the last 29, three (the greedy buggers!) in the last 35.
According to unreliable sources – known to the 'Hello' generation as "close friends of the warring couple" – the pair are determined to stay in contact for the sake of the children, ie all the young minor and U21 sensations who stand to be hurt in any bitter fallout.
At time of going to press, we were unable to confirm rumours that a Royal interloper known simply as 'Ruhrkey' had sparked the latest crisis that broke the matrimonial camel's back. Allegedly, he had stuck his nose between Sky Blue sheets to suggest it was high-time North and South went their separate ways, for the good of everybody else, especially poor, impoverished Meath.
Now, if only life were so simple that 'Northside Nidge' and 'Southside Sebastian' could go their separate ways, the former to set up permanent residence in Parnell Park (because how could one half of Fair City hope to fill Croker on its own?) while the latter rotates between the RDS and the Aviva (for those occasional Dublin derbies that used to be the sole domain of de Rovers and de Boehs and de Sooper Saints).
But life isn't that simple; divorce is a messy business. That is why Curve Ball & Son Solicitors (contactable at www.ambulance-chasers.com) is offering its services, pro bono, to facilitate the equitable divvying up of Dublin GAA's untold riches.
We hereby propose the following dispersal of assets from the United Jackeen Emirates:
1 The initial separation of Dublin into two separate entities divided by its iconic river – thereafter called Fingal O'Tooles (aka Dublin North) and Kilmacuala St Enda's (aka Dublin South).
2 Under a new edict to be enshrined in the Official Guide after GAA Congress – hereafter known as the 'Rugby School Rule' – players from posh northside enclaves such as Malahide, Clontarf and Castleknock will be free to declare for Dublin South if they so desire. Ditto with died-in-the-wool northsiders at heart who, by dint of geographical dislocation, find themselves in a dressing-room where they can't understand a single word of the unique idiom.
3 Just to avoid an unseemly tug-of-war over Ciarán Kilkenny, with southsiders sure to demand his services because of the above rule, a bye-law will be enacted allowing the young dual prodigy to play for a different team every day of the week ... including the Dublin senior hurlers who will remain intact because the Meathies (a) don't fear them and (b) don't give a fiddlers about small ball.
4 Bernard Brogan (pictured) will be deemed a special case because Fingal O'Tooles would still be deemed far too strong for Meath if he was allowed to play entirely for them. Ergo, Bernard's right leg will remain the preserve of Dublin North while his allegedly weaker left peg will be transferred to Dublin South. He can continue to fist points for either county, subject to certain limitations.
5 This division of Dublin will not stop there. Within three months of either North or South lifting Sam Maguire, the erstwhile United Jackeen Emirates will be further broken down into five 'new' counties – namely a constricted Fingal O'Tooles and Kilmacuala St Enda's along with Inner City Gaels, Liffey Valley Ravens (comprising all shoppers west of the M50) and Bernard Brogan CLG.
Only if all the above comes to pass can Meath hope to avoid the grim spectre of Division Four ...