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Want us to win the Eurovision? Then it's time to get really gay

What does it take to win the Eurovision Song Contest these days?

It's a question that 200 Irish hopefuls who recently sent in their song will have asked themselves.

And it's a question that Ireland just can't seem to answer right. Since the advent of public voting in 2004, Ireland has failed to qualify for the final on four occasions and has also came last in the final twice.

We basically went from most successful Eurovision contestant to total Eurovision loser.

For a country that is steeped in music, why are we getting it so wrong? The answer is that we refuse to hand ourselves over to what the competition has become - a camp fest of gay, cheesetastic, epic popness.

watching

I have been watching the show for as long as I can remember. I can recall seeing Brotherhood of Man doing their funny little dance to 'Save All Your Kisses For me'. (How innocent was THAT song? "Save all your kisses for me, even though you're only three"!)

I bopped along to 'ah bonnie bee a boh a beh' (or however it was spelled), and my all time favourite entry, 'L'oiseau Et L'enfant', won when I was seven.

But those days of huge orchestrations are gone, for Ireland anyway, and we insist on putting up songs that are small in sounds, and even smaller in impact as a result.

Most importantly we refuse to tap into the huge gay association with the Eurovision. In fact I'd say the gay community has kept this competition alive. Just look at this year's winner, the drag performer Conchita Wurst.

You only have to look at the audience each year and see wave upon wave of gay men, having the holiday of their life, cheering on their country. We need to hop on to this camp bandwagon.

What makes a song gay friendly? Firstly, there must be melodrama. If there are dancers, by golly they better be hot. If the tempo is upbeat, the dancing needs to be exquisite. If it's a slow song - a schmaltzy passionate story needs to be told.

drag

You only have to pop along to The George or PantiBar, when any of the drag acts are on, to get a sense of what type of song Ireland should enter into the next Eurovision.

The drag artists there have high camp and top class entertainment down to a tee.

So whoever is on the judging panel to select this year's Eurovision entry, well you could do worse than popping into these establishments to see how these incredible performers work.

Keep you ears and eyes open and maybe, just maybe, we will finally get the right acts to get us douze points.


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