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Monday 11 December 2017

Pregnant? Expect lots of advice from 'sanctimommies'

By the time you come to the end of this article there'll probably be another celeb pregnancy announcement, another article posted on the best double buggy to get and another 'hyperemesis gravidirum' explainer.

It's been something of a 'bump off' this week. TV3's Karen Koster was out of the traps weeks ago. Then Kate Middleton hogged the headlines.

Soon after, Amy Huberman tweeted her good news and Jennifer Maguire's colleague decided to spill the beans on hers.

I'll see your bump and raise you mine.

And there's nothing quite like an expectant mum to bring out the most extraordinary reactions from people.

bump

Complete strangers coming up to you and rubbing your bump? Uuuggghhh. Feeling you up is called assault in any other circumstances.

My advice - get a t-shirt with 'hands off my bump' emblazoned across it.

And please don't have a gender reveal party.

They're those awful American-style bashes thrown by trend-abiders where your sonographer lets a cake maker know the sex of your baby.

At the party you grip the knife together and cut into a cake with blue or pink filling. Or blue or pink balloons escape from a box.

It's like advances in science have obliged everyone to join in what should be a private moment.

Beware the Mammy Mafiosi when you reveal your good news too. They're the 'know the best way' to give birth, hold your baby, feed your baby, teach your baby, everything your baby crew.

They look down their middle class noses and roll their eyes at just about everything other mammies do differently to them.

They can be bitchy, pass remarkable and passive aggressive. They're a close relative of the 'sanctimommy', who constantly presents her views of parenting without any sense of humility.

MAFIA

Both these lassies are often also members of the breast-feeding mafia. Often heard saying, "it's child abuse feeding him formula", the Breastapo keyboard warriors love doling out abuse online about "lazy" bottle feeders.

Here's a final piece of advice if you're expecting.

Try not to become a helicopter parent; the type who pays extremely close attention to a child's experiences and problems, particularly at school and college.

Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters, they literally hover overhead.

And if you somehow manage to follow any of this advice, drop us a post it on how you managed to do it.

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