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Melaine Morris: Thou shalt not wear shorts and other commandments of fashion guru Tom Ford

Mr Perfect has spoken.

Tom Ford, the God of fashion and good taste has revealed his five commandments for men.

They include the importance of good manners, the unacceptability of sexism and racism, and -- the one everyone seems to have grabbed on to -- how men should never wear shorts, unless on the tennis court or at the beach.

He's right, obviously. Tom Ford is right about everything -- from the perfect shade of lipstick, to the impeccable tumbler for whiskey.

But if Mr Ford thinks the biggest fashion crime an Irish man could commit is to wear shorts in the city, I'd hate to show him the reality.

Because, while Irish men have come a long way in recent years -- they're even using grooming products and wearing the colour pink -- Ford would still possibly have a blue fit if he saw one of them at large.

So, what other fashion commandments could we add to Tom Ford's five?

How about men should wear trousers that fit them -- now, and not as they were three years ago.

There's nothing wrong with a tummy, per se -- in fact, we're quite forgiving of them -- but when they're straining over some too-small, snake-hipped trousers, it's just not a good look.

Nor is the breezy gap between sweater and trouser seat, when the trousers are ill-fitting. I'm not sure if Tom Ford has ever seen a Builder's Bum, but the total eclipses that take place on bar stools around our Emerald Isle could blind anyone who hadn't taken the necessary precautions. Surely those who flash this flesh can feel its exposure to the outside air, and adjust their clothing accordingly? What was once a joke has since become an eyesore.



Cropped

Next comes the comb-over. I have three little words to say on that matter, and they are Jackie Healy Rae. Or I can shorten it to two -- Donald Trump. Either way, making every hair pull it's weight isn't fair, nor does it fool anyone. Whizz the lot off with a sharp Number Two and keep it cropped that way - far more appealing.

While we're on the subject of hair, a word or two about highlights, the naff trend that seems to have swept over teen Ireland. Or, actually, any radical hair colour on a man. If we can see a gent has altered the natural shade of his hair, we're not going to like the result.

But least you think I'm dissuading men from making an effort with their appearance, I certainly am not. I wonder does Tom Ford have any idea how much sportswear is worn by men in Ireland, who may neither be athletes nor sports medics. Sure, everyone's entitled to slouch around in trackie pants from time to time, but you'll never adhere to Mr Ford's first commandment -- "You should put on your best version of yourself when you go out in the world" -- if you overdo it.

Equally, when wearing denim, remember the golden rule ... one piece at a time, guys. Double Denim -- the concept of jeans and denim shirt or jacket -- must be Irish men's greatest crime to fashion. And the worst thing about it is those who wear the look actually do so because they think it's cool. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Thankfully though, what causes Irish men to be occasionally bungling in terms of style is also their saviour. Irish blokes don't carry silly man-bags, nor do they grease themselves up like oily mammals. They don't wear baseball caps indoors (although, hello to Mr Healy Rae Jr and his cloth one), and they steer clear of tasseled slip-on shoes.

For all these things we should be grateful. And perhaps show some tolerance next time an expansive bum-cheek unintentionally hoves into view.