Monday 11 December 2017

Looking for love? It's time you signed up to my 'Warts' n' All' dating website

The online Love Guru reveals his extensive knowledge on dating.
The online Love Guru reveals his extensive knowledge on dating.
Internet dating
Rory McIroy

I've never met someone through a dating site. It's not that I wouldn't want to, I think they are a great way of meeting new people.

There are so many choices out there now, from Tinder to PlentyOfFish, you would be mad not to give them a go if you were single.

So when I heard that a certain dating website, beautifulpeople.com, did a cull recently of hundreds of its members, I was tempted to get in touch with the general manager, saying something along the lines of "you stupid, ignorant, superficial, vile excuse for a company".

You see, the cull wasn't of those people who had found partners, or hadn't activated their accounts in a long time.

No. Thousands of people were struck off the dating site because they had become too ugly.

Now, I'm not stupid. I understand the whole 'any publicity is good publicity' thing - and the media has picked up on the website's recent dismissal of unattractive people.

But it made me think about how we would want to present ourselves on a website. What would we want a stranger to know and what would we hide?

At my age, I don't know if I would have the energy to say that I was great company, loved going out to pubs and clubs and was terrific in the sack (even though I am!)

I think I would prefer to be honest, deadly honest, and let people know what they were getting into.

So what about a dating site called 'Warts'n'All'?

My profile would read as follows: "I'm 44 going on....45! I set out to go to the gym each week, four times a week. I'm lucky if I get there twice.

"I know that I am happy when I decide to bleach my mugs (That's not a euphemism. I actually take my mugs out and bleach them).

"I tuck my thumbs into my hands, like a baby, when I am falling asleep. My favourite breakfast is half an Aero bar. Every evening when I get home from work, I say out loud 'I must make a casserole for the week'. I never do."

I would use three photos for my profile pic: my morning face, my just home from work face and, of course, my going out on the town face (We all know how to take the perfect selfie now and with apps galore to tan us, slim us and chrome us, I don't believe any image on social media is a true image).

I would have my profile tell the world what I like to binge on, how I hate shopping, how I have been trying to stop biting my nails since I was a baby, and how I will watch five episodes of The Kardashians in a row on a Sunday, hungover and eating crisp sandwiches.

I don't know if this profile would attract any takers. But it would certainly keep away those who think that I want to present myself as a beautiful, perfect person.

So who's going to join 'Warts'n'All'? I promise I won't get rid of you when you get a bit chubby, or have a bad hair day.

In fact, I imagine you might just get an ordinary, decent human being. The best sort!


We might laugh at Rory The Club Throwing Cad, but it's not funny

When I played in the National Cup basketball final way back in the late 80s, I was on the under-18s team and we were deadly. 

The day after we beat our arch rivals from Waterford, I was subbed up to the senior team. It was one of the most exciting and terrifying moments of my life.

I played for most of the match and scored seven points. Boom! It was an incredible experience and I loved every second. But I remember another moment that wasn't so cool.

The referee made a call against me and I was furious. I flung the ball in the air out of rage. I was given a technical foul and my coach killed me.

When you play a team sport, with team mates around you and a coach on the sideline, you are constantly encouraged, but also kept in line.

When you are on your own, it must be much more difficult to contain any disappointment, frustration or anger.

When McIlroy threw his golf club into the lake in Florida last week, it was, on the one hand, funny. The petulant young sports star losing patience. On the other hand it was uncool, embarrassing and not how we expect our sports stars to behave.

International sports heroes have a huge responsibility to their brands, to their fans and, more importantly, to young children who look up to them.

Listening to David Beckham speaking about Alex Ferguson recently was insightful. Before a game in Wembley, Ferguson went over to Beckham who was sporting a ridiculous Mohawk and told him to shave it off. Beckham was going to tell him no, but, he knew better.

Ferguson demanded the highest level of professionalism from all his players.

They knew that a quip, a quiff or anything that he deemed as unprofessional would result in the wrath of the boss.

So we might be chuckling at Rory The Club Throwing Cad but when you earn millions of euro annually and have little kids looking up to you, it's juvenile...and totally unacceptable.


Poehler set for Trinity Night Live

My favourite famous person in the world at the moment is coming to Dublin this Friday.

Amy Poehler, star of Parks and Recreation, Saturday Night Live and the host of the Golden Globes (below) for the last two years, will call to Trinity College to talk to those clever clogs.

I have never wished in my life that I went to Trinity, but I would go back to school, do my Leaving Cert and actually study this time, just to get a place and see this woman talk.

She is probably the funniest woman alive and if anyone wants to be ever so kind, and give me a ticket, I will buy them the biggest pint of beer ever in the college bar.

Or just a cold one.

That's it I'm off (Just for a week)

After a wonderful five months making the new series The Unemployables with Darren Kennedy and Jennifer Maguire (inset) – coming straight to your television screens on April 9 – I’ve planned a little road trip.

That’s right, it’s time to do a little touring to clear the mind.

I’ll be hitting Newcastle in England to see Kodaline play and then I’m off to Lindisfarne, the holy island, for a couple of days.

After that I’ll be heading on to Edinburgh to watch the rugby in Murrayfield.

Is that not the best week’s holiday?  Don’t mean to make you jealous, but I’m so bleeding exhausted I cannot wait! See yiz when I get back.

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