herald

Saturday 18 August 2018

I almost feel sorry for Rihanna's DUP farmer pal

YOU have to feel sorry for Alan Graham.

He's the Northern Irish farmer who lent his field to Rihanna only to find her cavorting about it in her underpants (one assumes this has led to farmers around the world offering loans of fields to every starlet from Britney to Beyonce).

For most of us, discovering a semi-naked Rihanna on our land would not be a bad thing.

For Alan it was. He didn't think God would like it. I figure that God clearly spent a lot of time getting Rihanna just right, so maybe He'd like His work to get the occasional public viewing, but Alan has more regular contact with the Big Guy than I do, so I'll defer to his better knowledge of what God likes.

Either way Alan made himself famous by turfing Rihanna (inset) and the camera crew off his land.

And that's why you have to feel sorry for him.

Alan is a member of the Democratic Unionist Party. They quite like Britain. They like being part of Britain. They think the queen is tops and quite enjoy declaring undying loyalty to her.

They are, to summarise, British. Not Irish.

But thanks to the world's media not knowing a whole pile about politics in the North Atlantic Archipelago, Alan Graham is now Irish.

Almost every Google return describes him as 'Irish farmer Alan Graham'. Poor Al.

First Rihanna strips off on his land and now everyone thinks he's a Paddy.

Sometimes life just isn't fair.



Ciggies more likely to kill

THE EU is considering legislation to force motorbikers to wear high visibility clothing because it will make things 'safer'.

The thing is, though, according to the World Health Organisation, roughly one in four motorcyclists will die from the same cause -- cigarettes.



nerd

In fact, cigarettes are the leading cause of death among bikers (also among everybody else).

So here's a suggestion; leave bikers alone and make smokers wear high-visibility vests.

That'll at least go some way to making smoking less cool, because nothing says 'nerd' like hi-vis.



Demi's silence speaks volumes

SPEAKING of nerds, it looks like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore may have split.

Proof of this comes in the form of silence on Twitter. Normally Demi and Ashton (right) make sure the world is kept updated on their lives through the tiny slices of pointless vacuity that are tweets.

But since rumours of a split have emerged, neither has been tweeting. This has led to a global shortage of the semi-motivational, pop-psychology cliches that Demi provides.

The planet gets 75pc of its hackneyed guff from her tweets.

Like the one she sent that started the rumours: "When we are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger -- Epictetus."

The one she hasn't yet read is the old Harold Macmillan quote about foreign secretaries being forever poised 'between a cliche and an indiscretion'. When Demi runs out of cliches she races for indiscretions like posting pictures of herself with weird comments attached and random personal thoughts about love and fidelity.



Small firms flying the flag

DURING the week I chaired the Small Firms Association's annual conference. The remarkable thing was how much positivity and success was evident. Speakers talked about expanding into markets all around the planet.

These were small local operations competing in countries such as China and Brazil with clever products.

Business-people exuding not depression but ambition. Or as Demi would say, "I myself am an optimist, for it does not seem much use to be anything else -- Churchill".

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