Eamon Keane: Why you should vote for me for president
Is feidir liom. Yes I can. Never before in the history of this great State has there been such a pressing need for my services. I am going to run for the Park. Not in the Herald mini-marathon, but the other yoke. The Presidency.
I do this not for personal glory or gain. I am not doing this because I am sick of representing you lot in Europe and don't fancy the oul Brussels flight any longer (though the expenses were great).
I am not doing this because I have an ego the size of Australia. No, I do this in the national interest.
So what will a Keane Presidency mean? First off, it will be Inclusive. That's right, everyone will be in with a shout of a trip to the Aras. Farmleigh house has been opened up to visiting diplomats and I will do the same with the Aras. I am proposing a special B&B rate of ¤19.99 per night. This will include a free CD of Enda Kenny singing Don't Cry For Me Angela Merkel with accompaniment by Mary Robinson on the harp.
In relation to recent allegations that I have been guilty of cronyism as a TD, let me say this. Yes, I employed my grand-aunt as a parliamentary assistant but this was only because there was no one else in Ireland who could do the job. Similarly, my wife acted as my secretary.
Some have complained that she has no word-processor skills and can't speak English on account of being a Thai bride. But these are just bitter jibes. I can assure you that if none of my family can do the job, the position will be opened up to my extended family.
What have I got that other presidential candidates don't? Well, there will certainly be no sex scandals. I have submitted my resume to some of our leading Catholic journalists for moral approval. Fingers crossed I will be pure enough. To that end will I shortly be publishing a list of everything I ever said or thought about sex. This will be released over a period of weeks or maybe months.
I know that I'm heterosexual and that only the gays have to answer questions about sex, but you never know.
It is important that we stand up for Ireland abroad and to that end I will be employing one of our best Irishmen as a cultural ambassador. Roy Keane will be responsible for persuading our European neighbours to ease up on the bailout conditions. Louis Walsh has kindly agreed to be my campaign manager. We are asking that the election vote be run on a phone-in basis.
My council of State will be more reflective of modern Ireland. Jedward and the new Miss Universe Ireland Aoife Hannon from Listowel will provide the advice.
What else can I bring to the Presidency? There is my fantastic experience in Europe as an MEP. I met loads of foreigners in the airport business-class lounge and in the hotel residents bar. They loved my rendition of the Fields Of Athenry after a few scoops. I hope to build on those invaluable contacts.
Now as for financing my campaign, I hope to raise funds on the Dragons' Den. Even though Sean Gallagher is a candidate, I know he would never use his TV profile to get an advantage over me.
Finally, can I utterly reject the malicious falsehoods perpetrated that I am only doing this for the dosh? The salary of ¤240,000 that President Mary McAleese got means nothing to me. Neither does a likely ¤150,000 pension. Yes, my business selling recycled dog food has collapsed and there is the matter of my Baghdad Property Investment disaster.
But, no, I do this for you my fellow Gaels. So give me your vote. Is feidir liom.