Sunday 20 January 2019

Colette Fitzpatrick: Well Brian, you've finally hit no.1 - in the tweet twit charts

Twit of the week, sorry, tweet of the week goes to Brian McFadden, who tweeted: "Wasn't arrested! Didn't smoke on the flight."

I suppose the clue really is in what the pop singer didn't tweet. As in, he didn't say, 'I wasn't drunk. There was no rampage. I wasn't questioned by police'.

McFadden also told an Australian news channel that "he had a couple of drinks on the plane". I don't mean to reinforce some lazy stereotyping but 'a couple of drinks' coming from a male Irish celebrity doesn't exactly equal a small sherry to be sociable.


It's generally a euphemism for 'was over the limit'. Scratch that. Completely wellied more like. Unable to operate heavy machinery. Three sheets to the wind.

Remember the Westlife video where they were all dressed in white? Whiter than white. Angelic looking. Wholesome.

Looked like the riskiest thing any of them would consider, would be jumping the queue in Superquinn.

Fast forward a few years and bad boy Brian decides the band is no craic any more. This just in Brian. Boy bands were never the pioneers of hell raising.

Rock 'n' rollers don't look to a Daz ad for style tips. The sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll lifestyle is for Colin Farrell, the Gallagher brothers and Mick Jagger. And now you, it appears.

We were all just so proud when you said "it takes a lot more than a couple of drinks to get me drunk, I'm an Irishman". Nice prepubescent take on alcohol. You heading to Wesley this weekend? To, like, party your ass off, dude?

The judge on Australia's Got Talent already has a reputation for outbursts, many of them on Twitter. Last year he called his former wife Kerry Katona, the mother of his two children, a "pig-faced mole" on the social media forum.

He also tweeted "And to all those d***s who think they are entitled to question my integrity! In the nicest way ... GET F---ED. ... Night all x x' and "Final thoughts! You embarrass me and I hate being mentioned in your media. And for the record. Its not my beautiful home country! X."

Nice, Brian. Real smooth.

Why don't you just stick our collective reputation up there on the barbie, mate?

May as well have the Aussies thinking that as well as being a nation of drunks, we're also devoid of manners and believe the inner workings of our private life should be pasted all over the net.

And Brian, if you're going to tweet, would you get out the dictionary and stop making so many spelling mistakes.

And whatever you do, stay classy ... .

Army coup? Who do you think you are kidding, Mr O'Keeffe?

"We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction."

General Douglas MacArthur's famous quote is like something that a Fianna Failer might claim.

And this week I had to ask myself if FF's Ned O'Keeffe was advancing in the direction of the mad house when he declared that an army coup here could happen because of the failure of the political system.

So let me get this straight... the Cork East deputy believes that tanks lining up on Kildare Street is a real possibility.

The rebel soldiers would storm Government buildings, overthrow the Cabinet, depose Brian Cowen and install some sort of interim muppet, sorry puppet leader. The coup d'etat would mean marshal law would be imposed, the country would be plunged into chaos with looting and pillaging across the State.

Wait. We already had that. Didn't the bank bailout do that to the taxpayer?

Were you a cadet in a previous life, Ned? A space cadet? Is this a Dad's Army sketch?


"Private Joker, are you trying to offend me?" It's a classic line from Full Metal Jacket, widely regarded as one of the best war and army movies ever made.

Ned O'Keeffe, are you trying to offend our collective intelligence? Are you also trying to wreck our reputation abroad even more?

Sweet Jesus, all we need is the international news media to latch onto this one.

I'd like to suggest that this is classic scaremongering during a General Election campaign but it's just too ridiculous to take seriously.

This is the same deputy that in 1995 called for the film Babe to be banned because it could harm Christmas ham sales.

Technically speaking, apparently we have enough personnel in the Irish army to mount a coup.

According to an online post by The Field Marshal (well he's got to know what he's talking about), we also have enough military hardware available to crush and silence any potential dissent to a coup.

Ned O'Keeffe is stepping down after 29 years in the Dail. His son Kevin is running for the seat. No loony rantings, Kevin. That's an order.

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