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Colette Fitzpatrick: Real women don't need the web to net a cheating man

I JUST logged on to liarscheatsandbastards.com.

Not to check that I was on it, see. I just wanted to see if there was anyone I knew on it. There's not. Not that every person I hang around with is whiter than white.

Interesting concept, though. Naming and shaming those who've strayed. Like a tax defaulters' list for love cheats.

There's a section where you can 'expose' your partner. Ahem. (There are other websites for that sort of exposure). You can sell your story to a magazine. You can buy a mobile spy phone to catch him. You can even list a cheating friend. But what sort of friend would blow your cover?

There are clues as to how to tell if your partner is cheating. The 'bat phone', that's a second mobile or a second sim card to put in the one you already have, is almost always, exhibit A. It's part of the arsenal of the double crosser.



DRIVEL

Arriving home and straight into the shower is another indicator.

Head him off at the pass with a snuggle at the bathroom door to see if you can pick up the stink of cheap perfume.

There's also a link to a catchhimandkeephim.com which doles out advice to silly little women about how to bag a man. It thankfully tells us what annoys them about us, so we can avoid doing those things. Thank you so much. We're ever so grateful. Nothing like trying to change your partner. Isn't that what we're often accused of trying to do?

'Under promise, over deliver' is another top tip. When it comes the leaba, that is. I suppose if you promise to 'rock his world' and don't, you're odds on for being branded as the gal who falsely advertises. Talk is cheap, don't you know. But isn't cheap talk a positive in this context?

'Your appearance is important' is another handy hint. Yours too, pal. 'Focus your attention on him'. Erm, don't you risk being labelled 'desperate', if you're all about him for the entire night?

I've never read such unadulterated drivel and pray that Irish women have enough cop on to roll around laughing at idiotic websites like these. Maybe not women from other countries, though.

It seems dating websites are full of foreign lovelies looking for Irish men to come out of their Irish mancaves and hold their hands, or rather get drunk to show some affection.

What's the attraction?

The unmistakable quality of having to have six large bottles of Bulmers in you before you say 'well'? That prodigal in their generosity trait that some of them have? (Going halves is no way to rock our world).

The eye rolling if we customise our restaurant order?

Maybe it's their sensitivity, that 'in touch with their feelings thing' that many Irish men do so well.

I can think of many things that men are in touch with. Feelings are not top of the agenda.

Ladies, how about hiding that club in your hand and having a laugh with your friends when you go out? If you do manage to meet Mr Right, you can always check liarscheatsandbastards.com. Just to be on the safe side ...