Tuesday 22 January 2019

Colette Fitzpatrick: Me and my crazy app

STALKING got a whole lot easier this week. A break-up app has been created that will send you an email alert to let you know when your crush has changed their relationship status on Facebook.

The someone being someone on your radar; someone you imagined walking barefoot on a beach with, fingers intertwined. Someone, let's face it, you want.

And, just like telling a joke, love is all in the timing. The Break Up Notifier will make sure that you don't miss that window of opportunity to become 'the one'.

The relationship status thingy on Facebook has always amused me. There's clearly not enough options. Married or single doesn't really cover the dating game in 2011.


How about 'with Mr Right Now, not Mr Right', 'I have needs', 'it's over but he doesn't know it yet', 'married and monogamous', 'we've broken up so many times, no one really believes that this time it's really over', 'hanging in by our fingernails', or 'don't even look in his direction, he's mine'.

And when do you change your status from 'single' to 'in a relationship'. Five dates in? When you've met his mum?

Does it mean you're ashamed of me if you don't go 'Facebook public' with me immediately? Is it a deal breaker?

Conversely, when do you go from 'in a relationship' to 'single'.


What is internet etiquette on this? Is it really rude to do it immediately after you've had the 'we need to talk' talk? Or should you wait to see if you become one of those on again/off again couples.

Stalking is big right now; the Break Up Notifier notched up more than 100,000 users in the first 24 hours on sale.

It's not you, it's me.

Me and my creepy app.

Boys, you can park your horse outside my house anytime

Disclaimer. I hail from the Premier County and I do not find D'unbelievables offensive.

In fact, if they included the narrow-minded thoughts coming out of our narrow, thatched little heads as we hunt cattle with hurleys, our 'in breeding', propensity to spread unfounded rumours about the neighbours and our love of buttered biscuits, they'd be pretty spot-on in their sketches.

And so I expect not to get a slew of abusive emails from our Limerick brethren when I reveal that I think the Rubberbandits are side-splittingly funny.


I realise that not everyone from Limerick rides bareback to work, buy bags of 'yokes' and gets 'wrecked on bags of glue'.

I'm well aware that only some Limerick people want to pick fights with their girlfriend's father (it's sort of Shakespearean, though, isn't it?).

And not everyone from the county sells hubcaps to pay for their tattoos. But let's face it, all of us know a Rubberbandit; a dude that your father would be well within his rights to get a bit of wavin pipe to, road frontage or not.

Tie up the nag and pick a fight; the Rubberbandit's new video to the classic Roisin, I Wanna Fight Your Father, has just been unleashed on YouTube. The link to it says "intended for an immature, mature audience". It's no Horse Outside, not even close. But it's causing enough of a stir to trend on Twitter yesterday.


The signature Spar bags are still being sported by Blindboy Boatclub and Mr Chrome. (Spar, by the way, because it spells raps, backwards) But there's also some dodgy tackies (Limerick-eese for runners), a John Player Blue ciggies and tri-colour protein shake, pole-dancing in undies from Penneys, lots of blood, a chicken carcass as a punchbag and, of course, 'yer wan'. But she's a new 'wan'. Not the 'wan' they wanted to take to Mullingar.

These boys are IFTA winners, remember. Less than a fortnight ago they won a gong for Television Moment of the Year. Spurning the awards ceremony, the Bandits did an acceptance speech from "the moon', which was cut back from the live broadcast on RTE but rapidly went viral on YouTube. But perhaps most shocking of all; the duo are apparently well-dressed, middle-class boys from Shannon, Co Clare.

The bandits have been accused of lazy stereotyping, glorifying a life of crime and drugs and some appalling music. Lazy commentary more like. I'm thinking Eurovision, like. Or maybe for your first dance at your wedding, like.

C'mere I want ya. What are ya gawkin at? Go find your funny bone, ya tool, or I'll set me fadder on ya ...

Mary, you’re such a twerp

FIANNA Fail deputy leader Mary Hanafin spoofed her way through the most ludicrous explanation of why the taxpayer forked out €750m for bondholders in Anglo Irish bank on Tonight With Vincent Browne on Wednesday night.

Mary, as a former teacher you should be well able to explain something in simple English. Get out the abacus. Or is it a case of those who can, do; those who can’t, teach? Or used to.

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