Sunday 16 December 2018

Colette Fitzpatrick: Exams aren't the only route to landing a job

TO be or not to be. To take on a real job on top of your exams, or not? English Paper One in the morning; Home Economics in the afternoon ...and a newspaper column in the evening.

Because if you want to be a journalist, it's the one thing in your day that's not an exam that matters most.

In school I loved reading, preferred English to maths and science and could make a half decent stab at an essay. Of course I'd be a journalist.

The first day I went to journalism college, then Rathmines College of Commerce, now DIT Aungier Street, we were given a collection of facts and asked to write the opening paragraph for a newspaper story. House fire. In Clare. Cause not known. Three people dead, including mother, father and child. Terraced house. Middle of the night. Neighbour horrified. Another child still alive in hospital.

Now it's as obvious as the nose on your face that the story in this collection of sentences is that a child is now parentless and without a sibling after a tragic fire.

Well, not to me on day one of college. I thought it would be far smarter to set the scene for a long winded tragedy-come-play that would unfold pain-stakingly slowly before I'd deliver the real newsworthiness to a reader, a few paragraphs in. The reader of course had long since passed over my imaginary bugle and picked up the paper with the real story in the first sentence.

It's a wonder I ended up in the profession, but experience, apprenticeships and being nosy got me through, and not points or courses.

I have deep admiration for the students who have managed to send copy to editors with, no doubt, parents, teachers and principals breathing down their necks about points.

But experience like this is exactly what editors want and couldn't give a fig about points or letters after your name.

As if Georgia and Calum weren't tacky enough ... now we've got vajazzling

THANK you TV3 for introducing us to vajazzling.

Who knew that there was a word for the act of applying glitter and jewels to a woman's nether regions for aesthetic purposes?

The verb, to vajazzle.

Forget the verb and the word. Who knew that you could do that? Stick diamante yokeys and glittery bits and bobs onto this most mysterious part of a woman, to make it more eye catching, more bling. A refurb. A makeover, so to speak. A heart? A butterfly, perhaps? Your county colours? The TV3 logo? A design spelling out 'Will you marry me?"


Jennifer Love Hewitt has said she 'shone like a disco ball' after she'd been vajazzled. This newfound knowledge didn't come from a heavyweight TV3 documentary on gynaecology or a programme about body issues.

No, we haven't forgotten where we've come from. Celebrity Salon brought vajazzling into every home across the country, as well as to Rosie and Georgia et al.

Georgia confessed that although she hadn't had it done before, she "liked it and might get it done". And did I hear her dare suggest that she might use Calum Best's phone number as her design, as she took to her task with purpose? Do you have his number, Georgia? Really? Why? Are you calling? Is he? Remember, never drink and dial.

Rosie took some inspiration from the creative streak that she employs illustrating children's books. Ahem. Though the Adam and Eve forbidden fruit reference took Rosanna over the line. The bikini line that is, to win the challenge.

That's a slam dunk in a fortnight for Rosie. A vajazzling competition and a High Court case against Ryanair. Though a drubbing of Michael O'Leary in the High Court has got to be much more satisfying than winning a bikini line duel.

D rill

Maybe getting to wax Michael for charity say, might come close. I'm a Celebrity, Let Me Get My Hands And Hot Wax On Michael.

There are endless possibilities with this new-fangled beauty treatment. Pejazzling, for the last episode you say? Yes. It's exactly what it sounds like. And it's already been thought of.

How about a pejazzle off between the last two finalists? And why the hell haven't we been doing these kind of makeovers on Ireland AM?

A his and hers.

You know the drill. Shy middle-aged couple. Married with kids, lost their mojo. Well, we teamed up with such and such vajazzling and pejazzling salon that is taking out ads with us, and here's what our couple looks like now.

This is where spending all that money on the 40-inch high def flat screen just might be worth it.

Now you'd never get that in public sector broadcasting.


The vajazzling, that is.

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