Keeping Enda in the cupboard is a sure vote-winner
Time for the Harry Potter strategy. Enda Kenny's ratings are shooting up, The Friday 25th showdown looks like it will be not so much a Gilmore Gale as a Fine-mor Gael.
FG is on course for a percentage of the vote they haven't seen since Garret FitzGerald's time, and all because Enda stayed out of the TV studio.
South East radio are the only ones who managed to get him into a studio in the past week, which probably means the Blueshirts are doomed in Wexford.
Mark Mortell's job for the next fortnight is to keep Enda in a dark cupboard under the stairs at number 4, Privet Drive, Castlebar, until the election is over.
Green Tea on RTE radio parodied Joseph O'Connor, Vincent Browne and "Eamon Gilbore". But the problem which quickly emerged is that each of these subjects is impossible to parody.
The O'Connor poem dedicated to Enda and the Empty Chair was unnervingly close to the real thing.
When the Conor Lenihan character told the Vincent character: "I am a big hit on YouTube because of your show" it became clear that this election is unmockable. Unfortunately, we are the ones being mocked.
Maybe Green Tea, Mario from TV3 and the Apres Match/Nineteenth Minute crew got together to do the Fine Gael party political broadcast. "A country in crisis. A government in turmoil. Average people paying the price."
In walks Enda, "Enough is enough, it is time to get Ireland working. Fine Gael has a five point plan to do just that."
"And I want to be a footballer" said the little boy on the radio version of the broadcast. Fine Gael can make it happen says the voiceover. All was going well when Varadkar the Impaler came on air to reassure us. Make them stop, please.
MARTIN -- Down. The champ's son is trapped in the mud of his ministerial pay-off and needs a big break.
KENNY -- Up. Nowhere to be seen. That's gooo-hood.
GILMORE -- Down. The "Gilmore for Taoiseach" posters have come back to haunt him.
Catchphrase of the Week:
"Flip-flop". What does that mean? "Going forward" is still going strong, though watch for the Gilmore special: "threshold of decency".