Thursday 17 January 2019

FF bans the full Irish

HEALTH KICK: It’s out of the frying pan and into the muesli bowl for Micheal Martin’s troops

Micheal Martin has banned breakfast fry-ups for his Fianna Fail team, the Herald can exclusively reveal.

A new fatwa on frying pans has been introduced as the new leader ushers in a healthy eating regime.

The man who introduced the world's first smoking ban is calling time on smokey bacon, streaky rashers, and sizzling sausages.

Staff at campaign headquarters have been gently advised that the comforting smell of the morning mixed grill is now politically incorrect -- henceforth, only political rivals may be grilled.

A senior party source disclosed the new pudding prohibition to the Herald.

He indicated the stodgy stalwarts of the 'full Irish' were being replaced with kiwi fruit.

It's goodbye bangers, hello bananas as Breakfast Roll Man is banned.

A Fianna Fail staffer confirmed apples and oranges had replaced coffee and cigarettes as the fuel of choice for the new regime at the Grattan House campaign headquarters in Mount Street in Dublin.

A spokesman explained Mr Martin was running a dynamic HQ team which was operating seven days a week, 24 hours a day.

The spokesman said the new leader was "conscious of the need to keep staff working at the peak of their abilities for the duration of the campaign" and had "brought in a healthy food regime, ensuring that everyone working in the centre has a balanced diet, rich in energy and protein".

For breakfast each morning the staff can choose from fresh fruit, muesli, porridge and high-fibre brown bread. Lunch consists of various salad and fruit options, while the evening meal includes chicken or fish dishes combined with pasta or rice.

One campaign worker said: "The staff have already been spending day, evening and night at the centre, but many are already feeling the boost provided from this new health food regime.

"The bet going around the campaign centre is who is going to lose the most weight during the course of the campaign.

"Micheal's already brought a new wave to energy to the party, with great feedback coming from all over the country. Now he's giving the staff an extra pep in their step with many already feeling the benefit of this healthy eating approach."

It's seems enough to rename the Soldiers of Destiny the Muesli Militia.

Your move, Enda.


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