herald

Tuesday 14 August 2018

Down with democracy, down with the President

THE UN has been falling over itself to welcome the fall of Gaddafi and the impending outbreak of democracy in Lybia. The reason for this is a modern delusion that democracy is a good thing.

It's not. It's a completely half-baked way to run a country. This is why no successful companies are democratic; when decisions get made by a whole bunch of people, they tend to be stupid decisions.

Usually when you say something like that you get a lecture about self-determinism and freedom of expression and the will of the people and all that guff. And in the face of such a lecture it has always been difficult to prove that democracy is essentially silly. Until now.

Now there is research which once and for all proves that democracy is a truly ridiculous way to run a nation.

Paddy Power and Red C have carried out polling that shows that 63pc of people believe having a President is important.

Two out of three Irish voters are clearly, demonstrably, objectively, totally and absolutely wrong. And yet we continue to let them make decisions.

We really have to set up some kind of screening system before we let people vote; I'm suggesting a questionnaire at every polling booth with the following written on it: "Do you think Ireland needs a President? If you answered 'yes', go home."



Big Brother is driving you

THE main problem with democracy is that it leads to bureaucracy. And bureaucracy leads to pointless annoying laws, like the proposal from the EU Commission that by 2015 all new cars will have to have a system which logs your movements so if you drive into a tree, the car can call the nearest hospital and say -- one assumes in an automated voice -- 'help, come quick I'm wrapped around a tree down the road from Horseleap.'

This system is a good idea. Everyone should have the option to buy it. But we should not have a system that logs our whereabouts forced upon us by legislation. And the worst part is that we have become so used to having government interfere in our lives in this kind of way that we don't even question it when it happens.



It's either the bike or me. . .

IT'S amazing the little things that make you realise a marriage isn't going to last. Subtle hints of problems can often be missed in what otherwise appear to be healthy marriages.

One of those hints featured in the programme Slave To Food, which follows former Steps girl-band member Claire Richards (right) as she attempts to lose several stone.

During the show her husband was interviewed as he unzipped the plastic wrapper around his motorcycle so he could polish it further. And no, that's not a misprint; he keeps his bike in a hermetically sealed bag.

Which is the first hint the marriage may have challenges; if your fella treats his bike like a fresh vegetable, then he has issues.

As he re-polished it (it was already shiny) he looked into the middle distance and said something like 'I don't care if Claire loses the weight, I love her either way'. Which is sweet enough to nearly make up for the bike in the bag, at least until he completed the sentence by saying 'and anyway, fat or thin, she'd never have curves like this bike'. I'm not making this up. He doesn't mind how his wife looks because she'll never be as sexy as his motorcycle. How long will that marriage last?



Sado movies hard to beat

KEIRA Knightly is in a new movie called A Dangerous Method. The trailers indicate it's about the history of psychoanalysis and Ms Knightly being spanked. This is proof that any topic, no matter how achingly dull, can be made sell by sprinkling it with pretty girls and sadomasochism. Any minute now we'll see the release of Ionising Radiation; a Love Story. Cameron Diaz will play Marie Curie, as she and Pierre indulge in heavy petting betwixt the pipettes.

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