herald

Wednesday 22 November 2017

Can Saddam's buttock prove the law really is an ass...?

uA 66-year-old former SAS soldier has been arrested in Britain on suspicion of illegally possessing Saddam Hussein's left buttock.

Nigel 'Spud' Ely came into possession of the chunk of bronze statue after he served in Baghdad but he may have broken the law if the item proves to be 'of archaeological, historical, cultural, or religious importance'.

He drew the attention of authorities after trying to sell it. Would have loved to have seen the advert: 'For sale, piece of ass. One of a pair...'



How dads can put paid to flights of fancy

vA SURVEY this week says 66pc of parents are stumped by the questions their children ask them, citing such perplexing demands as how to do long division and 'How do aeroplanes stay in the sky?'

But any dad worth his salt knows how to deal with such trifling queries: 'Angels hold the aeroplanes up with their special magic -- and every time you do badly in your sums another angel loses its wings.'

It puts paid to demands for expensive flights to Disneyland and the like, believe me.

It also makes dinner very entertaining when mum says 'open up, here comes the aeroplane' -- at which point this dad routinely dives under the table -- though it IS getting harder to clean the food off the kitchen ceiling as the kids approach their middle teens.

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