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Tuesday 12 December 2017

Patsy's man is going to need bigger pants

As Patsy was slurping her way through a large frappuccino, I noticed her handbag was open and inside were six probiotic yogurts.

"Are you having cravings?" I said to her. "Because you know cravings are a sure sign of pregnancy."

"Oh right. Ha-ha. Yeah, I'm having cravings alright but they are of a sexual nature." I should have known better than ask but, as usual, there was no stopping her.

"I've found this research article on the internet," she added as she produced the document on her iPhone.

"It says that drinking probiotic yogurt can increase your sexual prowess.

"I've decided to put Jose on a probiotic diet just to give him a bit of oomph. Not that he really needs it, of course."

The said article was about a study carried out on mice at the Institute of Technology in Massachusetts. The research was probing a link between probiotic yogurts and obesity.

However, instead of putting on weight, mice that were given mouse-sized amounts of yogurt actually became slimmer.

Stranger still, they also developed more sexual prowess than those that didn't partake. Not only that, but the scientists also discovered that the yogurt-eating mice developed a 'swagger' and started to carry themselves with a certain arrogance, as if they believed that they were drop dead gorgeous (I swear on my life I'm not making this up).

Researcher Susan Erdman says: "You know when someone's at the top of their game, how they carry themselves differently? Well, imagine that in a mouse."

I tried to imagine a strutting mouse with slicked-back hair in a pair of Speedos as he flexed his biceps at an unsuspecting female mouse but couldn't quite get my head around it.

"So, after drinking a couple of yogurts, a mouse suddenly thinks he looks good and starts to throw his leg over anything that moves?" asked Maggie.

In a manner of speaking, yes. Scientists also found that his fur became shinier which seemed to give him even more confidence.

He started to believe that he was Top Dog or, in this case, Top Mouse.

"A bit like Speedy Gonzalez crossed with Casanova," Josie said.

"Is there anything else that we should know about?" Maggie asked.

"Well, the best is reserved for last," Patsy declared as she clapped her hands together with delight. "On top of all of that their testicles grew 5pc bigger!"

Maggie was stunned into silence.

"Well, what do you think of that?" Patsy demanded. I think that judging by the amount of probiotic yogurt Jose is going to be force-fed over the next couple of weeks; he is going to need considerably bigger underpants.

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