herald

Monday 11 December 2017

IS VOGUE SCRAPing THE BOTTOM OF THE fashion BARREL?

For once in our lives the four of us are back in fashion and on trend. I know it sounds quite unbelievable and I'm sure there are many naysayers out there wondering just how the hell could four 50-something women, who live in the back of beyond with limited means, suddenly become beacons of style?

Well, the answer is very simple. We all have big arses.

I know, I know but before you choke on your breakfast roll, have a gander at Vogue magazine and they will confirm that, despite some of us being shaped like hod carriers, we are, at last, at the forefront of style.

"The big booty has officially become ubiquitous," Vogue says. "In music videos, in Instagram photos, and on today's most popular celebrities, the measure of sex appeal is inextricably linked to the prominence of a woman's behind."

It doesn't seem that long ago that being skinny was the 'must have' shape for women. The beauty industry crucified and humiliated women if they even showed a millimetre of extra flesh.

As a result the girls and I have been through more diets and gym memberships then you can throw your hat at but it was all for naught.

The trend started with Jennifer Lopez and her big butt. However, recently she has been put in the shade by the likes of Kim Kardashian and Nicki Manaj.

styrofoam

If you haven't seen it, take a look at the video accompanying Nicki Minaj's lastest song Anaconda.

I haven't a clue what she is singing about but it is something to do with her anaconda.

The lyrics also contain a fair whack of effing and blinding and she throws in a few duh, duh, duhs for good measure. Shakespeare it ain't but who cares because it is her bottom that is the true star.

I don't know what it's filled with - styrofoam possibly or even boil in the bag rice - but it's now so big it looks like two large beach balls perched on top of her thighs.

These beach balls twerk and jerk as if they've been plugged in to a live socket and when she bends over her whole bottom fills the screen. It's like looking at the black hole of Calcutta.

We watched it on Maggie's phone as we drank coffee and squished up the last cake crumbs.

"Do you think Vogue really mean the likes of us?" she asked hopefully - with our pale skin, dimples of fat and knickers big enough to stretch over a trampoline.

I think probably not!

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