herald

Monday 20 August 2018

Back to School has men running scared

Anyone who forgot that this was back-to-school week likely had a rude awakening as they found their regular route looking like Baghdad with the number of black SUVs clogging up the roads -- the only difference being that the vehicles here were driven by more women than men and the drivers were unarmed.

Not that they need to be armed. Personally, I'd rather take my chances with some jarhead in an armour-plated Humvee than the mummy in the Land Rover who decided to take that call on her mobile, three cars back from the red light, and thought it was okay to just stick on the hazards as the lights turned green and chat away.

She was one of thousands on her way to pick up the kids after school, and one of them -- Guinevere, Peach Tart or whoever -- was ringing to say she would be waiting at the door and not at the 'out only gate', because it was drizzling rain.

In preparation for 'back-to-school' week and at great risk of being reported as a nutter, I sat for hours poring over Google maps finding the locations of schools in my area, searching for a way out. But there are actually now more schools than pubs in my town -- which is depressing for my future, but at least gives my kids a future I never had, meaning fewer places for dads to go and more places for 'mums in Land Rovers' to go. (MILRs for short; not to be confused with MILFs -- although you could have MILFs in Land Rovers -- or Miller beer.)



stuck

So an alternative to getting stuck behind the MILRs at the traffic lights is lacking, unless you drive cautiously through several different housing estates . . . and risk being reported as a freak.

The only choice open to us working men then is to get up at least an hour earlier and begin a whole new life. Body clocks thrown into havoc. Favourite radio programme over breakfast gone. The people you met and saluted every morning on the same route at the same time -- gone. The windows you got used to looking into and risked being reported -- gone.

Of course, in between the school drop-offs, these MILRs with too much time on their hands clutter the coffee houses and shopping centres, and in parks join forces with the army of yummy mummies doing 'buggy boot camps' and Nordic power walking.

And is it my imagination or are there more programmes on the telly these days aimed at women? What happened to Columbo?

At least the next school break is only a few weeks away. Hallowe'en, my favourite time of the year. And if you can't take it out on the MILRs, take it out on their kids by dressing up as the scariest f***** on the estate and hide in the hedges . . . at the risk of being reported, of course. Ha!

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