Tuesday 28 January 2020

Ask Rosanna: 'I'm so angry my husband forgot our wedding anniversary'

Rosanna Davison
Rosanna Davison

A forgetful husband, a friend acting up in work and a drunk boss making sexual advances

Q: MY husband forgot our first wedding anniversary and I tried to be all cool and understanding about it, but truth be told, I'm so bloody furious.

He clearly just blanked out the most important day of our life so far after 12 months and I think this has to be a signal that he doesn't really care as much as he should. Do I tell him how I really feel as he's wondering what's up with me these last few weeks?

He did make it up the day after our anniversary with a card and awful flowers as he felt guilty when I presented him with beautiful engraved cufflinks, but I'm so disappointed.

A: I can completely understand your disappointment, and especially because it's such a milestone anniversary. After the complete high of your wedding, you really look forward to the anniversary to relive some of those moments and enjoy celebrating your first year as a married couple.

But there's no point in bottling up all of your anger at him. It's not healthy for you or for your marriage.

He's your husband and partner, and you should be able to speak to him about anything and everything. I strongly advise you to tell him that you feel hurt and upset.

Give him a chance to explain why the date didn't register with him, and suggest he gets a diary to write down important dates will help to prevent this ever happening again.

The best thing for you to do is get it off your chest and then move on. I imagine that he will never forget your anniversary again after this.

Q: I got my friend a job where I work - I've been there for four years and it's a really cool company that is always getting CVs on spec - basically because so many young graduates want to work there.

Anyway, I've done my time and risen to a mid-management position and when an opportunity came up that I thought my friend would love and be well able for, I let her know and put in a word for her with my line manager.

The interviews went well and she was selected, but it has been down hill ever since.

She ignores the dress code, is constantly late and acts very defensive when I or someone else tries to give her guidance.

I deeply regret helping her get in as I am sure it is making me look bad, but worse, I feel so disrespected by her that I find it hard to meet her outside of the office in our shared circle of friends.

She acts like she hasn't notice but she must see that she is not delivering the goods in work - why else would she be getting emails by managers asking her to redo work and reminders to dress smart for upcoming meeting?

She has badly damaged our friendship in the process, so should I talk to her frankly about this whole mess?

A: I'm sorry to hear that your friend has been so disrespectful towards you and her new job, and especially because you went out of your way to help her in the first place. It does sound like very odd and self-destructive behaviour, and it's hard to believe that she has no idea what she's been doing.

Perhaps she feels out of her depth and has suffered a huge loss in confidence, and that's what is triggering her behaviour. But either way, I definitely advise you to speak to her very honestly about what's been happening.

I would urge you to express how you feel deeply disrespected by her, and your shock at her lack of interest in taking her new role seriously.

Make sure she understands that her job is sought after by many, and needs to get her act together. Hopefully an honest conversation will be the catalyst she needs to pull herself together.

Q: My boss made a pass at me on a night out - he's way way older than me and married and, of course, I said no.

He was really drunk at the time and I'd be happy to pretend that it never happened but he's being really mean to me ever since and other people have started to ask what his problem with me is. I don't want to go to HR but I feel really vulnerable as he does have the power to hire and fire and could easily set me up to look incompetent in some way, plus I think he might get aggressive if I try to talk to him. What should I do?

A: It's clear to me that your boss is completely in the wrong, and taking out his aggression on you.

Drunk or not, what he did to you was completely inappropriate and you could have easily reported him for his behaviour. But you need to make the decision for yourself on what is the best thing to do.

The fact that other colleagues have noticed and commented on his treatment towards you in work just shows that he is taking this way too far. This needs to stop before it causes you further stress and upset.

Your work should be a place of encouragement, where you can feel confident. But instead you're being bullied by an older man, who appears to be annoyed that you rejected him.

If I were you, I would try to talk to him. As your boss, he has a responsibility towards his employees, and you have every right to let him know that you feel you're being treated unfairly.

You don't necessarily need to bring up his drunken incident, but do tell him that you're unhappy. If he does become aggressive, then I would suggest you speak to HR as this needs to be sorted out.

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