Every so often, this column takes a pop at the beauty industry for their more outlandish claims that they can improve our lives with a tweak here and an injection there. And, in fairness to them, there is no part of our bodies they will not invade in their noble quest.
From bird poo facials to crazy mud detox diets. From injecting wrinkles with fat taken from the buttocks to designer vaginoplasty's that promise to take years off your nethers.
I have said this before and I will say it again: no-one is ever going to come up to you on the street after you've had a designer vaginoplasty procedure and declare that 'your face looks a bit rough but your nelllie doesn't look a day over 25.' So, you can go ahead and knock that one off your bucket list.
A while back, I mentioned a pair of caffeine-infused shaper knickers that dazzled us with science by claiming they would slim our thighs and reduce cellulite.
These were not the first pair of knickers to make such claims. In 2012, an Italian company called My Shapes launched knickers that had been developed using nano technology, crystals and infrared rays. I took this to mean that by wearing these knickers you could literally burn the fat off your ass. It was all to do with blood circulation and cellular metabolism, or some other gobbledygook like that.
Another company brought out knickers that more or less promised the same thing as long as you wore them 10 hours a day, six days a week for four weeks. I'm not even going there.
The models wearing these knickers were always a size eight with skin like satin and legs so long they looked like they'd been stretched on a rack for a week. So you can imagine my deep sense of Schadenfreude when I learned that the two companies involved in the making and promotion of the caffeine-infused knickers have been fined a total of $1.5m by the Federal Trade Commission in the US.
The fines are for 'serious methodological flaws' in the company's claims that women became slimmer just by donning their pants.
Apparently, this simple action enabled the microcapsules of caffeine to activate the 'microcirculation' and, hey presto, your legs went from lumpy and stumpy to just plain gorgeous. I remember at the time thinking, 'In your dreams missus.'
"Caffeine-infused shapewear is the latest 'weight-loss' brew concocted by marketers," Jessica Rich, director of the FTC's bureau of consumer protection, said in a statement.
"If someone says you can lose weight by wearing the clothes they are selling, steer clear. The best approach is tried and true: diet and exercise."
You said it, sister.