herald

Monday 11 December 2017

Your ma knows more about babies than any celeb

I'm not a bit surprised that Tess Daly (wife of extra-marital texter Vernon Kay) had such a disappointing turnout for her recent book signing in Eason.

Her new tome, which features, in gruesome detail, all the information nobody could possibly want to know about her pregnancy, is the latest in an alarming number of How to Have a Baby books written by alleged celebs.

No more than 30 people turned up to have their copy of her musings signed in Dublin which might perhaps suggest that we are perfectly capable of going about having our own babies without a television presenter showing us hers, complete with scan photos (I kid you not). I can't remember wanting to show anyone my baby scan photos except the person who had helped create the baby: it was a greying blob on a bit of shiny paper, indistinguishable from anybody else's blob, or indeed, an actual blob. Why Ms Daly, below, believes we want to see hers in print is beyond me, but hey-ho, who knows what's in the mind of a publisher eager to cash in on perfectly ordinary life events undertaken by famous people.

Denise Van Outen's outing as a new mother has also been penned, even though the baby hasn't even been born yet (now there's getting in ahead of the posse) as indeed has Myleene Klass's who went a step further and launched an entire range of baby clothes, too. No, no, I'm wrong. Denise is doing the clothes designing also. She promises us "loads of sensible advice" in the forth-coming book which clearly doesn't include advising herself sensibly to keep a lid on it and concentrate on having the baby.

Now having a child is a wonderful, miraculous event for all mothers, and woe betide anyone who would suggest that every baby isn't just the cutest bundle of joy ever, but really, there are no ends which new mothers (especially first timers) will to go to 'help' prepare them for the unique event that only, ooh, billions of other women have experienced.



WHALE

They'll buy books on nutrition, diet, clothing, DVDs on whale music, special cushions and pillows, all manner of expensive bags, equipment; organic food, and devour, it would appear, the labour stories of women whose birthing experiences they believe will mirror theirs because they're on the telly occasionally.

They'll believe all the crap about birthing pools, breathing exercises, posh stretch mark creams and private hospitals.

In fact, as any mother will tell you (including your own), going with the flow and doing what feels right for you is really and truly the only way to have a baby. There isn't a shred of advice that a famous mother can give you that a perfectly ordinary one can't, except they're far less likely to impose.

Listen, there's a reason the same celebrities don't write a book about the next 18 years after the delivery: it's because they've realised, like the rest of us, that they don't have any of the answers.

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