herald

Wednesday 15 August 2018

There's no way Jose will escape Patsy . . .

The course of true love never runs smooth but Patsy has had more bumps than most. Her standards are high and exacting. Men have run through her fingers like caster sugar but none have lasted -- until, that is, she travelled to Madrid last year, accompanying Josie, who was attending the communion of her brother's child.

Patsy wasn't two minutes in their house when she spotted Jose the chef doing the catering. He didn't stand a chance. Batting her eyelashes and complimenting him on the shape of his vol-au-vents, she flattened him against a wall, taking advantage of the fact that he didn't speak any English. Later, she informed Josie he was taking her dancing and they disappeared for the night. She danced alright -- all over his back.

Back home, she mooched about for a while but there was no contact and she got over it by going out with Maggie's brother-in-law for a while.



DRAGGED

Then, six weeks ago, Jose turned up on her doorstep. Apparently, he had been trying to contact her for ages and when that didn't work out; he upped sticks and came to Ireland. He secured himself a job first and then tracked Patsy down to Kildare, which in the end wasn't difficult as you can hear her before you can see her.

When Patsy opened her front door, she was a little taken aback to see Jose standing there with a smile as bright as a Spanish sun. The shock lasted for all of 10 seconds before she dragged him inside. He wasn't getting away a second time.

"How do you converse?" I asked her, when they finally emerged from her house three days later.

"We speak the language of love," she cooed like a lovesick parrot. "Oh, and we both like to use a lot of olive oil."

Josie and Maggie turned green and I almost gagged.

After two weeks, Patsy was speaking pidgin Spanish and had managed to convince Jose to chop off his ponytail. She can also say things like, "Yo no estoy gordo, estoy huesos grandes" (I'm not fat I'm just big boned) and "Usted puede dejar su ropa alli en la parte superior de la mina" (you can leave your clothes over there on top of mine). She relies a lot on Google Translate.

After six weeks, Jose proposed. Patsy accepted and the date is now set for September 30 with Josie set to be the oldest bridesmaid in town.

"And it will be a great opportunity for you to show off your new boobs," she said to me as she fondled her new fiance's bottom.

Nothing is sacred anymore.

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