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The secret life of Louis Walsh


Twelve million viewers watched last night's X Factor. And around 11-and-a-half million are on internet forums bitching and moaning about the use of auto-tuning in the editing process. Like, how do they think Geri Halliwell or Jedward have careers?


Singing isn't the be-all and end-all of this business, you know. I realise that. Simon realises that. Cheryl definitely realises that.


Grainne asks me for my one piece of advice as she leaves the terrestrial channels. Stop issuing press releases about your personal life, I tell her. Just maintain an enigmatic silence, like me. And/or invest in a global property portfolio.


I love this stage of the competition. All the work is done -- it's not live so I'm basically just giving interviews and appearing on current affairs programmes on TV3. Did I mention that Ivor Callely should be arrested by the fashion police?


Bring Cheryl out for lunch. She says that she doesn't feel as much pressure with her style this year because Dannii's on maternity leave. You and me both, I tell her. Laughter lines are the new Botox.


Is anything really that funny though? I want to look my best for the live rounds in a few weeks. Total conundrum.


Who said natural was best? This is showbiz, babe. Botox, hair extensions, auto-tuning -- it's all smoke and mirrors. Maybe The All Ireland Talent Show should take note. It might lead to people actually watching something on RTE.

Or this is how it would be if we were Louis . . .