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Smell of success all set to coin it in

NO matter how many times I think there couldn't possibly be anything left to invent in the fashion industry, I'm always proved wrong.

"That's because you have no creativity or imagination and, on top of that, you wouldn't spend Christmas," said Patsy. She's right. I couldn't have thought up something as crass as a perfume called Money and, even less, I wouldn't spend my hard-earned cash on it. But there is always someone who will.

Patrick McCarthy is a VP of sales at Microsoft and was so taken with the smell of money every time he took it out of the ATM that he came up with the idea of a perfume that smells of hard currency.

"I really feel that people who wear this will feel more confident. I got the idea after reading a story about a Japanese study that showed a significant increase in production where the smell of money was pumped through vents into factories," he said. "The odour of money is a unique fragrance."

It is that, Patrick, but who the hell would want to spray themselves with it? The answer, of course, is lots of people.

The manufactures claim that wearing this perfume may motivate you to succeed in work. This success can probably be measured in part when your colleagues start sniffing behind your ears and then, with a wild look in their eyes, stuff their ATM cards into one of your orifices to see if you will spit out any cash.

Depths

And is there actually any money in the bottle? Nope, not a jot. Instead McCarthy has infused pink grapefruit, mandarin, freesia, passion fruit, melon and Hawaiian wedding flower.

"There must be some limit to the depths marketers will plummet," I said. But, according to Patsy, there isn't.

"Lady Gaga is launching her own perfume next year," she said. "And she wants it to smell like bodily fluids."

"You mean like sweat?" Maggie asked, wrinkling her nose.

"Nah, worse than that. She wants it to smell of a mixture of blood and semen and she is going to call it 'Monster'." Of course she is.

Come back Paddy McCarthy. All is forgiven.