herald

Monday 11 December 2017

Perfect jeans are a truly uplifting experience

Occasionally I like to discuss more serious subjects and broach the issues that really matter to women. So here goes. Readers, I have found the perfect pair of jeans.

Like most women, my quest for the Holy Grail of the denim world was a perpetual pursuit. I came close once or twice, but there was always that deflating moment in the changing room when I'd peek over my shoulder to discover that my bottom and the fabric were involved in some sort of head-on collision. Not this pair. The Salsa Wonder Jean is essentially a Wonderbra for your bottom. They lift and separate to give the wearer a Latino-esque backside. While other styles gave my bottom a landslide-look, the Salsa Jean hoists everything up into a neat little mound.

My bottom looks like two eggs in a hanky, well, maybe two turnips in a sleeping bag, but it looks better. Definitely better. I always thought a good bum came down to good genes; actually, it can be achieved with good jeans.

I think I'm in love: I want to spend all my time with them. Save for their time in the spin cycle, they've been on my legs. I find myself bringing them up in unrelated conversations: "I'm thinking of taking a career break."

"Oh . . . did I tell you about my new jeans?" And I'm terrified of losing them: what if they go out of production? Oh, be still my beating heart.

I spent the better part of my first day with them looking approvingly at myself in the mirror, twisting, turning, tip-toeing and imagining my new life with a Latino bottom. Later that day I was in the ladies' toilets of a local restaurant where mirrors line every wall and so grant a rare look at your backside in all its glory.

Normally this would involve an outward gasp and an inward resolution to start the Atkins' diet. Not this time. I swear, I must have washed my hands for 10 minutes, so delighted was I with the sight.

Don't get me wrong, it's hardly 'Rear of the Year' stuff, but it's a damn sight finer than it's ever been before. A better bottom is one of my lifelong pursuits, right up there with learning Spanish and mastering parallel parking. To think, after years of walking lunges, reverse squats and donkey kicks, that a pair of jeans could give it to me.

Women have an interesting relationship with their jeans. Even in an era of fast fashion the right pair of jeans will stay in our wardrobes until rips and loose buttons eventually consign them to the bin.

The power of good jeans is enormous. They instantly solve half the challenge of finding something to wear. They build confidence and raise poise. Some say material items can't bring you happiness; I say they should try stepping into these jeans.

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