Patsy can talk for Ireland and normally she just sounds like a grey crow cawing on a telephone wire, but when she gets excited her voice takes on the tone of a chainsaw.
The chainsaw then takes on an extra resonance when she starts talking in acronyms. Her screeches of "OMG!" after almost every comment are enough to deafen us and no more so then when she whipped a copy of the new Armani advert for men's underwear out of her handbag. The model was none other than that Prince of Ponces, Ronaldo, and for once the Portuguese diva wasn't rolling on the ground holding his knee after tripping over a blade of grass.
Pointing at the page Patsy shrieked, "OMG! Would you look at the KAs on him?" I was afraid to ask what KAs were in case it was something to do with Ronaldo's Armani-encased genitalia which, is has to be said, made him look as if he could run a three-legged race on his own.
Maggie wasn't afraid though. "What are KAs?" she asked. I thought Patsy was going to keel over with the excitement of it all. "Killer abs, of course!" she squealed and I breathed a sigh of relief, although I couldn't see what all the fuss was about. Ronaldo's body, with its waxed torso and killer abs (apparently, he does 3,000 sit-ups a day), looks fine but the way he poses comes across as faintly ridiculous. This is the same overpaid footballer who goes down like a sack of spuds in the penalty area if the goalkeeper as much as tickles him and then blubbers like a baby if the goalie isn't sent off. To see him in the Armani ad flexing his muscles and brooding like Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice was too much and I said so.
"PEBKAC," sighed Patsy. Josie had had enough. "For God's sake, you are nearly 50 not a half-wit teenager. Why are talking through your h . . ."
Patsy put her hands up. "Okay, okay. PEBKAC means 'Problem Exists between Keyboard and Chair'."
"Mudder of Jaysus," Maggie said under her breath.
But I knew what Patsy meant. According to her, Ronaldo is the most gorgeous man since sliced bread and if I didn't like the look of him, then the problem came from me. I was the problem between the keyboard and the chair.
"IMO you need to be less cynical," she said. I looked again at Ronaldo posing like a big girl's blouse. There was only one acronym for her.
"GAL," I said.
We are still best friends BTW.