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Hefner's bride-to-be needs a crystal ball

The girls and I get great mileage out of Hugh Hefner, the 84-year-old Playboy mogul and his insistence, in his twilight years, to surround himself with a bevy of beauties.

These women all manage to look frighteningly similar: ie platinum blonde hair, legs that start at their armpits and breasts that are bigger than their heads -- and so pert they could walk around on their own.

Their most important quality, however, is a deep compassion for the elderly which transfers into them putting aside any aversions they may have to sleeping with a wrinkly and arthritic old man, who just happens to be a multi-millionaire.

Hef got engaged at Christmas and his fiancée, Crystal Harris, a 24-year-old Californian, is now planning the wedding of her dreams with the man of her dreams.

Oh, lead me to the vomitorium.

Playboy publicist and unofficial wedding planner Kelly Olisky, reveals that the theme for Crystal and Hugh's special day will be understated.

"Understated! That will be a first," sneered Maggie.

According to Kelly the couple want everything very muted. The colour theme throughout will be silver and gold with a hint of pink blush. "That way it stays very romantic," says Kelly.

Where is that sick bucket when I need it?

For the wedding cake, Crystal is going with a strawberry sponge because it's Hugh's favourite and it's something he can eat it with or without his teeth.

Hef, bless him, is tickled pink blush with the choice of wedding cake because it seems he eats strawberry sponge every day and he does like to stick to a certain routine.

This routine also includes slurping a daily bowl of puréed chicken noodle soup through a straw at precisely 5pm. Crystal finds these little traits endearing and, as his new wife, is looking forward to sharing them with Hef as they settle into married bliss.

It won't be the only thing she'll be sharing. As Mrs Hefner she will also have to share his bed with him EVERY night. The upside is that if she hides his glasses he'll wear himself out trying to find his Viagra.

Goodness knows what the fabulously attractive Crystal sees in the octogenarian millionaire, though.