herald

Sunday 17 December 2017

Get to the bottom of the miami thong lift

"I'VE A new man in my life," announced Maggie, which was a bit of a shock because she and her other half are completely in love and arealways exchanging those annoying blowy kisses.

On top of that, she constantly refers to him as her ‘nom nom', which is enough to lead the rest of us to the vomitorium.

“So who is he?” asked Josie.

“His name is Constantino Mendieta and he is the inventor of the Miami Thong Lift,” she replied.

She went on to tell us that Constantino is a Florida-based plastic surgeon who has come up with a new surgery to give women high and super curvy bottoms along the lines of J-Lo and Beyonce.

“I'd love to have a curvy bum,” she sighed. “You have one,” replied Patsy. “It curves right around your chair.” Josie and I nearly keeled over with the laughing.

Maggie ignored us as she went on to explain how the standard way to get a rounder bum is to use silicone implants similar to those surgeons used in breast enlargement. However, Constantino, who learnt his techniques in Brazil, where plastic surgery is as routine as washing your hair, prefers to use grafts of fat liposuctioned from the stomach or thighs. He then purifies it and, using a large needle, injects it back into the muscles of the bottom.

There will be scars left by the incision but these are “hidden in the grand canyon where the thong goes,” according to Constantino.

Hence the name Miami Thong Lift and if the thought of that doesn't put you off your porridge, nothing will.

Referring to the reasons why women would undergo this procedure, Constantino goes on to say that, “Buttock enhancement is instinctively attractive to men. Women are wearing tighter clothes and if you wear a thong to the beach, nothing is left to the imagination.”

In the interests of further research, Constantino should come to a beach in Ireland during the summer where he would see thong wearers pulling said thongs over their heads to keep warm, thereby not just lifting their buttocks but their knees and ankles as well.

But back to Maggie, who, in the old days, had more money than sense and, we suspect, might have had a nip here and a tuck there.

However, with all the ancillary dosh gone, any sort of lift, bar hydraulic, is just wishful thinking. We relayed this potentially devastating news to her. “Oh, I know,” she sighed, staring at her half-eaten brownie like it was the devil. “I'm just waiting for this recession to be over and things get back to normal.”

Josie gently explained to her that back to normal will be a long, long time coming . . .

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