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Thursday 14 December 2017

Dear Rosanna: There's a good chance my partner's pal is the daddy of my baby, should I tell him?

Rosanna Davison
Rosanna Davison

This week a mum-to-be frets over who is the daddy, spanking in bed a drunk pal

I'm six months pregnant and I'm not sure that my partner is the father of our child. I had a one night stand with his friend and now  timing-wise this child could belong to either man.

My boyfriend is so thrilled at the prospect of becoming a father and I want to just go along with that because it's something that we had planned to do anyway. His pal and I have not said one word to each other since we slept together but I can see how he looks at me since we announced my pregnancy.

He has a wife and two children, so it's not like he wants any of this to come out, but this is a pretty big secret to have lurking in the background - if there was no chance whatsoever that the pal could be the dad of my baby then I'd try put it behind us, but time wise I can't lie to myself that this is the case.

I think the fact that myself and this other man have not spoken about what happened or the possibility that this child is his is not helping - if we can both agree to chalk it up as a mistake that we will never mention to another soul then maybe I can just plough on with my partner?

This pregnancy must have come as a shock timing-wise, but your focus really needs to be on having a healthy and stress-free pregnancy, and delivering a healthy baby.

It's happened now, you're bringing a new life into the world and it would be pointless to get caught up in guilt and regret. I do think that you need to speak to your boyfriend's friend before the baby is born, and to make it clear to him that the baby could be his but if he is willing to forget that the one night stand happened, then you are too.

I would imagine that he's happy to get back to his normal life and not get caught up in another woman's child, as well as the huge problems it will cause with your boyfriend.

You might consider taking a paternity test on your child, but for now it's most important to speak to this man and agree on how you both want to proceed. My advice is to focus on your boyfriend as being the father and cut contact with this other man once you have spoken to him.

 

My boyfriend spanked me in bed last week when we were being intimate. We've been together three years and he's never done this - he's never been all that adventurous in the bedroom full stop.

I'm actually all for a bit of spanking and role play and trying new things - but this was never his modus operandi and so I just went along with what he seemed to want.

Now I feel suspicious - he's not backward about coming forward in life so I can't imagine he has been working the courage up for three years. I think he's been up to no good elsewhere with someone else - it's the only explanation that makes sense to me and my suspicions are preventing me from enjoying this new element of spice in our love life.

I had a snoop in his email and phone and can't find anything strange from other women. I also did a revision history check on his computers to see if he's been looking up porn but I can't see a thing.

Should I ask him where this sudden desire has come from or try and enjoy it while keeping my eyes open for other signs he's up to something?

I do understand your reasons for feeling suspicious, as this is completely out-of- character behaviour for him. But it would be a massive mistake to accuse him of anything until he has a chance to explain himself.

He could have been inspired by a whole host of different and innocent things, such as 50 Shades of Grey or a discussion with his friends! He's trying to spice things up in your relationship, and I would always give people the benefit of the doubt.

So my advice is to definitely ask him where he got his idea from and why. But be fun and flirty when you ask him rather than accusing, as he'll be more likely to tell you what inspired him.

 

My pal is a train crash when we go out - she gets really drunk and makes passes at any man she can find - including the boyfriends of our circle of friends - no man is safe. For a long time people have looked the other way, indulged her and reassured her the day after that no one really minded, but it's got to the point where some of our mates just don't want to invite her to anything anymore.

She can't control herself and a few of us are starting to think she has a drink problem.

We're all in our 20s and just out of college - we like going out as most of us now have a few bob from work, but she ruins every single night. I had a chat with her after the last drunken night and she was contrite, but I know she'll do the same things again soon.

How do I get the message through to her before she becomes ostracised?

It's a real shame when there's one person in a group of friends that can't control their drinking and drunken behaviour, because it disrupts the whole group and eventually people will just avoid going out with that person.

It sounds to me that your whole social group is being affected by this girl's inability to keep her hands to herself when she's had a few drinks. There is nothing OK about trying it on with every man she sees, no matter how drunk she gets. It's never an excuse and definitely indicates problem drinking.

Alcohol is a pleasant social aid in moderation and in my opinion, anybody at all that binge drinks regularly and gets drunk has a problem with it. If I were you, I would avoid going out socialising wither until she has taken control of her alcohol intake is able to act like an adult. Be tough but fair and explain your reasons why, a major one being how uncomfortable she makes other couples feel.

Explain that you will be there to support her if she needs you, but she's not welcome to join the group until she can behave responsibly. I think that the tough love approach is the only one that will work now. She will keep pushing the limits if she thinks she can get away with it.

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