Saturday 24 March 2018

Dear Rosanna: My new man is too stingy

Q I met a man at salsa class and was thrilled when he asked me to dinner. Now I'm worried about his meanness. He poured the wine left in our glasses back into the bottle, didn't offer me a drink when we were watching a DVD and said how delighted he was that there was enough spaghetti bolognese left to last him the weekend. It wasn't romantic when he turned off the lights, just dark as well as cold.

When I was high-tailing it out of his place he said our next date should be a picnic, and I'd be better at making sandwiches. He has an okay job. Should I wait for my birthday next week, and give him a chance to redeem himself? My mum says I'd be better off single, and maybe she's right, but she's not the one heading back to salsa.

A I'm a big believer in giving people a second chance. You said you were delighted when he asked you on a date, so there must be things that still attract you to him. He may be going through a tough time financially, and what you perceive as meanness is just him trying to be sensible with his money.

I would advise you to go on a second date with him and see how he acts. Don't actively search for signs of stingy behaviour, but don't be afraid to question him if he does suggest you make sandwiches for a picnic, or such. Even make a joke of it and get him to laugh at his own suggestions. See how you feel after the next date.

You may be able to look beyond this one aspect of his personality or you might decide he's not right for you.

Just don't be too quick to judge.

QMy best friend promised she wouldn't tell anyone about the night I got very drunk and slept with the brother of another of our friends. But she told our friend, who is furious with me. I'm furious with my best friend for telling her, but she says she was very drunk at the time, and that if I want to be forgiven for doing things when I'm drunk, then I have to learn to forgive others for doing what they do when they're drunk. Is she right?

AIt sounds as if you're entering a vicious circle of anger, guilt and resentment with your friends and you risk damaging these relationships in the long-term.

Being drunk should never be an excuse for inappropriate behaviour. In my opinion, if you can't control yourself then you shouldn't drink so much. You are always responsible for your own decisions.

Having said that, what's done is done and there's no going back and no good will ever come of placing the blame on others. My advice is to wipe the slate clean and start afresh. Meet with your friends and try to all agree that your friendship is more important than these disagreements.

QHow can I get my boyfriend to stop talking so much about his son? On Friday night we were out clubbing, and he went on about how excited he was about taking his boy to his first karate class. Already I'm hearing about his first day at school, and that's not until next September.

I don't mind helping to mind him, but when he's not around, how can I get him to sound more like a sexy man and less like a daddy, if you know what I mean?

AYou need to reach a compromise that works for you both. It's wonderful to hear that he spends so much energy on his son and invests the time in making him happy. You must appreciate how lucky you are to be with such a kind and caring man.

However, I do appreciate that you're fed up of hearing about every single thing to do with his son's life.

I'm sure you would much rather spend more time talking about other things that interest the both of you.

My advice is to just to just gently explain that you're proud of him for being a devoted dad, but it would be lovely if you talked about other subjects and areas that you both have in common too.

Ensure that you're approach is sensitive and considerate as you don't want to risk offending or upsetting him. Keep it casual.

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