Dear Rosanna: Help! My wife is too controlling
A controlling wife, how to tackle a weight loss programme and life after pregnancy
Q: I love my wife very much but she is very controlling — she has always discouraged my hobbies and instead seems to want me to do things with her all of the time.
I try to hold my own and continue with the hobbies I love — even though she makes it clear she doesn’t approve — but I think this is healthy especially now as we are both retired.
I don’t see her changing at this stage and I’m not keen on doing anything too drastic like making ultimatums as I simply don’t think they would make any difference and as I said the love between us is immense and I value that above all else.
But we’re really healthy and I hope for many more years together on this earth, but how can I get my wife to relax, trust and love her own self more because, in my experience, the desire to control others is a good indication of a lack of self love?
A: It is wonderful to hear that your relationship is nevertheless strong and you very much love your wife. It sounds to me that this is a part of her personality, and it’s generally not a good idea to try to change people.
However, it is a shame that she disapproves of your hobbies, and isn’t as supportive as she could be. Perhaps she feels left out of that part of your life, and that can make certain people feel resentful.
I’m not able to say for certain that the desire to control others is connected to a lack of self love, but it presumably has to come from somewhere, and it could very well be linked to a lack of satisfaction in her own life.
My advice it to have a gentle chat with her and point out how much you would like it if she relaxed more and let you do your own thing. You might also want to encourage her to join in with some of your hobbies, so you can enjoy them as a couple and spend more time with her.
Gentle encouragement and positivity is definitely the best course of action for you, and it will hopefully encourage your wife to relax and enjoy life more.
Q: I’m trying to turn my lifestyle around from one where I eat any rubbish going to one where I focus on clean living and healthy foods. Weight loss is a goal but not the sole goal.
I have heard lots about detoxes over the years but have never tried it — a juice or soup based one sound good to me as a way of kick starting a new diet but I don’t know more than that.
Do you think a detox is the way to go or is it too drastic? I feel like I need to see immediate results in order to keep going. I am determined to lose weight and become more healthy but I don’t even know how to cook or what foods I should be eating because junk food is what we were raised on.
I’m 28 now and I feel like this lack of confidence, weight and helplessness is holding me back in other areas, like love and career.
A: Leading a healthy and fit lifestyle is a brilliant way to boost your quality of life and energy levels in a simple and natural way.
I’m a big advocate of making it an entire lifestyle; that includes a healthy diet, regular exercise, stress management and plenty of time to relax and have fun with family and friends. However I don’t believe in quick fixes, crash diets or extreme detoxes.
The diet industry is booming, because quick fixes can help you to lose a few pounds but it’s very difficult to sustain such weight loss, nor is it particularly healthy.
My advice to you is to become more mindful about what you’re eating and when. Listen to your body’s hunger signals, stay well hydrated and make sure you’re not eating out of boredom.
It can really help to cut out refined sugar and processed foods, and focus on foods in their most natural and whole form.
Making these simple changes can really help your body to shed unwanted pounds, become healthier and stronger.
Q: I had a baby recently and weight dropped off me very quickly — to the point where I am thinner than I ever was before. I was breast feeding so this might be why but I have also been really busy adjusting to this new life — so busy that I didn’t notice until a lot of people started commenting on how skinny I now am.
And it turns out some of them were talking about it behind my back — speculating that I may not be coping too well, which I find so hurtful. My sister and husband said to ignore the chatter but I have to wonder if I want these so called friends in my life — what kind of people go on like this?
Having a baby is the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me and I feel really annoyed that these idiots see something negative they can use for their gossipy purpose.
A: Firstly, a huge congratulations on the birth of your baby. It must be an incredibly exciting time in your life, and it’s perfectly normal to become completely involved in catering to the needs of your new bundle of joy.
You have obviously just been extremely busy, and perhaps breast feeding has helped you to lose the baby weight. But rather than worry yourself more, my advice is to spend time relaxing and looking after yourself and your needs as much as possible too.
It’s a shame that these friends of yours have been speaking behind your back and jumping to conclusions, but if I were you I would do my best to ignore them and focus on your newborn.
You certainly don’t need gossiping and negative people at this stage of your life, so I would suggest you don’t give them the attention they’re craving.
You also have nothing to prove to them, and if they genuinely cared about your welfare, they would have spoken to you directly rather than spoken about you to each other.
Your sister and husband and absolutely right; ignore them and focus on the health and happiness of you and your family.