herald

Sunday 17 December 2017

Coffee Morning Whispers: Vegetable legs now mean that one-size boots no longer fit all

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini
Cheryl Fernandez-Versini

It all started when, instead of the usual sizes 10, 12, 14 etc., the shape of women's bodies began to be compared to fruit.

We had apples, pears and strawberries with the odd banana thrown in for good measure.

Even Patsy got in on the swing of things by narrowing down Maggie's frame to a watermelon.

Things have branched out since then with individual body parts now being renamed to help the retailer cross sell as much as possible.

The renaming is possibly as a result of a recent survey carried out by retailer JD Williams in the UK who polled women in their 50s about whether they were happy or unhappy with their legs.

As calf Botox is fast becoming one of the most popular cosmetic procedures, it is unsurprising to find that 41pc of the women said they were unhappy with their legs.

boots

The main problem seems to be fitting into knee-high boots which led JD Williams to believe that the once size fits all boot has had its day.

They now offer different circumference options to help women get the best fit.

To help with the selection, women's legs have now been divided into five different vegetable categories (I am merely passing on this information, I do not claim to understand it).

The five categories are:

1. Sweet Potato: This is a full calf with a fat ankle. An example given is Cheryl Cole (pictured). Yes ladies, that petite little lady has legs like a sack of spuds. I bet you're starting to feel a lot better about yourselves now because I know I am.

2. Parsnip: This is described as a slim ankle with a fuller calf as seen on the likes of Katie Holmes. I have heard through a reliable source that parsnips give Tom Cruise flatulence. Her calves could be the cause of their break up. You read it here first.

Number 3 is carrot: A leg slim from ankle to knee is the description here. This is personified by the likes of Millie Mackintosh. I don't know who she is but I hate her already.

4. Aubergine: Kim Kardashian is an aubergine by the fact of her defined, muscular lower leg.

Unfortunately, there is no vegetable description available for her defined, muscular upper bottom but I'm making my own suggestion - fluted pumpkin.

Lastly, number 5, the marrow: A marrow is an extra full lower leg or as we say here in the bog, legs like posts on a farm gate. Marrows are personified by none less than Beyonce.

We mulled over this information until Patsy stood up and with her legs akimbo and demanded what sort of vegetable they represented.

The vote was unanimous. Turnip.

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