Sunday 21 January 2018

Coffee Morning Whispers: There is a book in me just trying to get out


I was not having a good day when Patsy and Jose arrived over armed with two packets of chocolate fingers. This is despite the fact that I'm supposed to be on the Paleo diet.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," Patsy said as she proceeded to open the box and eat two at a time.

I watched them with drool running down my chin. A sugar-free diet does that to you.

Jose went straight for the kill. "Por qué tienes un rostro sobre ti como un fondo de tejones?", which apparently translates along the lines of, 'Why do you have a face like a badgers arse?'

Talk about kicking a girl when she is down.

The reason my mood was so dark was that, last month, I decided to self-publish a novel on Amazon Kindle, forgetting that, when it comes to computers, I'm completely out of my depth.


I got as far as inputting the title and my name and then I had to upload the manuscript. That was four weeks ago and, up to when Patsy and Jose arrived, I had uploaded it at least 30 times.

Each time it looked worse than the last, with chapters running in to each other without page breaks and double-spacing appearing out of the blue.

I had invested so much time in the process that the dog was threatening to go and live with the neighbours if I didn't bring her for a walk, and I had let my mother make her own way home from the airport as I hadn't time to pick her up.

My eyes were crossed from staring at the laptop as I slowly lost the will to live.

"You put on HTML?" Jose casually asked, as he sucked the chocolate off a finger.

"What are you jabbering on about," I asked him, as I tried to suppress the urge to poke him in the eye.

"You on HTML!" he shouted at me. I actually thought he was asking me was I on HRT.

With a dramatic roll of his eyes, he relieved me of my laptop, fiddled around for a few minutes and handed it back to me. "Now HTML file. Mucha buena."

I still didn't know what he had done so, again, he took control and uploaded the whole thing before previewing it so I could see what it looked like. It looked so much better.

"I could kiss you," I said.

He simpered like a gigolo until Patsy gestured by drawing her index finger across her throat.

He quickly gave her the rest of the chocolate fingers.

That fella values his life.

'The Conversion of Fergal McFettors' by Marie Carberry is now available on the Amazon Kindle Store

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