Wednesday 26 September 2018

Coffee Morning Whispers: Someone has to be the one to bring home the bacon

'When he saw all the pork it was as if he had just landed in Fatima'
'When he saw all the pork it was as if he had just landed in Fatima'

It doesn't seem that long ago since, in a moment of madness, I agreed to buy half of one of Josie's organically-reared pigs.

It was after Christmas and the new piglets were running and squealing around the field.

"No problem," I said, as I gazed hungrily at their little trotters.

"I'll have plenty of room in my freezer."

I hadn't checked in on their progress for a while and so was a little shocked when my son, who had an after-school job of feeding them, told me that they were the same size as "eh… of I suppose you could say a big Labrador."

I was a little worried so I stole across the road and took a peek at them through the hedge.

He was wrong. They weren't the same size as a big Labrador. They were the same size of a Fiat Twingo.

However, for me and the half-pig, there was no going back as Josie announced she would be making deliveries last Tuesday.

Over the weekend we tried as best we could to eat everything in the freezer, including two roast chickens, one shoulder of lamb and a lasagne made from four pounds of mince. Our bowels didn't know what hit them.

Cometh the hour, cometh the pig and Josie arrived on Tuesday evening with 35kg of vacuum-packed pork and ham that included 144 sausages and 120 rashers, in the boot of her car. It was a pork mountain.

Maggie came over for a look, dragging her other-half behind her. He grew up on a farm in Tipperary and oft looks back with nostalgia at how they used to slaughter their own pigs. I won't put you off your dinner by telling you how.

When he saw all the pork it was as if he had just landed in Fatima and had seen a vision. His eyes clouded over and he literally went into raptures and started talking in tongues.

"S…s…sweet mother of divine would you look at the creamy layer of fat on that," he said, as he massaged a leg as if it was attached to his wife and not a dead pig.

He went into even more raptures when I offered him a ham to try out. Maggie was a little put out at the way he was staring at it.

"Will you be putting it into the bed or into the fridge?" she demanded.


It's always the same in Kildare. We are either thinking about sex or food.

I was still trying to crowbar the pig into the freezer when my son arrived home from school.

"What's for dinner?" he asked. I pointed to the 144 sausages...

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