Tuesday 12 December 2017

Coffee Morning Whispers: Skipping the dentist for years means ... you know the drill

Laurence Olivier
didn't just terrorise Dustin
Hoffman in Marathon Man
Laurence Olivier didn't just terrorise Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man

WE met for coffee in Maggie's house as she wanted to afford us the opportunity of sitting on her brand new kitchen stools.

Patsy arrived shortly after with an extra passenger in toe. It was, of course, Jose and he was not a happy bunny.

With a face the same colour as wallpaper paste, he was quivering like a scared puppy. It was the look of a condemned man.

"What's the matter with him?" Maggie asked as she tickled him under the chin as if he actually was a puppy.

He has that effect on everyone. You just want to mother him.

"The whole teeth thing has come to a head and it's time to do something about it. He has an appointment with the dentist later and I've brought him with me in case he tries to escape again," Patsy replied.

After having the life scared out of him by the slip of a drill at a dentist in Madrid when he was a small boy, Jose has done his best to avoid ever going to the dentist with serious consequences for his gob.

There are now more holes in his gums than on a golf course.

"I was giving him a good old snog the other night when I heard this strange noise and I realised it was his teeth."

Maggie and I exchanged one if those WTF looks.

"Here, I'll show you. Shake la cabeza para the girls," she said to him which, in her pidgin Spanish, meant, 'shake your head for the girls.'

Jose obliged and, right enough, we could hear a definite rattle. It sounded a bit like dominoes falling over.


Patsy had made an appointment with the dentist and, this time, there was no way back for Jose.

"If he has to be tied to the chair then so be it but he's not coming out until he has teeth like Simon Cowell."

Tears welled up in his Jose's eyes.

"I very afraid," he whispered.

We tried to assure him that he would be okay but he was having none of it.

"Jesu, creo que esta va a ser peor que el gato de haber retirado sus testículos," he wailed, which more or less translates as, ' this is going to be worse than the cat having his testicles removed.'


Maggie gave him her iPad to play with and he folded himself into a chair, giving the occasional whimper.

We waved them off after an hour with Jose dragging his feet and his head sunk into his chest.

"Did you ever see the movie Marathon Man (pictured)?" I said to Maggie.

"I did," she replied.

Poor Jose.

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