Coffee Morning Whispers: It could only be a Saint Valentine's Day massacre, Spanish style
Since she has bagged her man a couple of years ago, Patsy has had every reason to look forward to Valentine's Day. She and Jose go all out with pressies, cards and, usually, a meal cooked by Jose's very own hand.
This year, he was going to prepare his signature dish, steak tartare. Although where this dish is concerned, cooking doesn't really come into it.
For those of you unacquainted with this particular delicacy, steak tartare is basically raw mince with a raw egg planked on top.
It's the type of plate Hannibal Lecter would probably order it to go with a nice little Chianti.
In other words, it's absolutely disgusting.
Still, horses for courses and all that and they both seem to enjoy it.
"Bloody good food para mi bloody good amour," Jose told me.
Hmmm, I think there may be something lost in translation there.
Anyway, three days before the big event the cat must have got wind of the Slaughter of the Innocents and disappeared only to reappear hours later with half his tail missing and walking as if he was shell shocked.
He had either been in a fight or had been caught in the local cat house with his pants down.
Patsy felt his forehead and decided he was running a temperature so it was straight down to the vet where she now has a parking space reserved just for her.
While she was there she decided enough was enough and Sami would have to be neutered.
Jose hotfooted it from work to be there when the cat woke up. He arrived sweating and panting. He was sweating and panting even more when he heard how much it was going to cost for Sami to be denuded of his privates.
"Jesu Christ. a hundred and seventy-five EURO!" he roared. "Ese bloody cat debe tener los testiculos mas caras de todo el mundo!" which roughly means, 'that bloody cat must have the most expensive testicles in the whole world.'
And according to Patsy, he then made some sort of gesticulation that for that sort of money they should be made into earrings and sold on eBay.
There was no sedan available so Sami was brought home in a box and laid out in front of the telly where he kept checking his privates and then visibly gulping when he realised they weren't there.
Patsy and Jose spent the next two days by his side and all thoughts of Valentine's Day and the steak tartare were postponed.
In the end Jose did produce a card with a lovely pink heart and some dancing teddy bears on the front.
It also said 'Happy Birthday Grandma.'
Something else lost in translation..