herald

Tuesday 12 December 2017

Coffee Morning Whispers

Mummy porn is no match for this lot

We were talking and laughing (mainly laughing) about the book Maggie is reading. Fifty Shades of Grey, by EL James, is an erotic tale of two lovers who, as Maggie says, "go for it in the down and dirty department".

The book, which has had phenomenal sales all over the world, has been described as 'Mummy Porn'.

"Is that like Kildare Porn?" said Patsy.

"What's Kildare Porn?" asked Josie.

"It involves practising safe sex by marking X on the backs of sheep that kick," she sniggered.

Moving swiftly on, the book is about Anastasia Steele, a literary student falling for billionaire (apparently, it's not enough to be a millionaire any more) Christian Grey. Christian has serious mother issues, is into bondage and has never had a real relationship.

Slowly but surely, Anastasia is brought into Christian's dark world, which takes place in his 'Red Room of Pain' and involves a lot of tying up, spanking, baby oil and other stuff the likes of which nice girls from Kildare shouldn't be reading.

It also has some of the cheesiest lines about sex ever written. Consider this one which Patsy read out to us.

"I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."

We dissolved into fits of giggles which weren't helped by Patsy pronouncing the 'merengue' as 'meringue'.

It gets worse. "My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot. Anticipation hangs over my head like a dark tropical storm cloud. Butterflies flood my belly as well as a darker, carnal, captivating ache as I try to imagine what he will do to me."

"I'm feeling a bit deprived that I've never had butterflies flood my belly," said Josie.

"I know what you mean," I replied. "And as for my inner goddess hopping -- well we just won't go there."

"This is my favourite one," said Patsy.

"That's the bottom line. I want to be with him. My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy and, at the moment, it's a rather exposed part."

At the end of all this carnal knowledge and exposed anatomies, Anastasia "stares up into his smouldering, grey gaze. It is his Dom gaze -- cold, hard and as sexy as hell, seven shades of sin in one enticing look."

"Ha, seven shades of sin my ass. Jose and I could give these pair a run for their money and we wouldn't even have to take our clothes off!"

Hand on heart I believe her.

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