Coffee Morning Whispers
Maggie takes a walk on the wild side
As a New Year's resolution, Maggie always takes up power walking. This resolution lasts about 10 days before she gives up and puts her brand new trainers on eBay.
This year, however, she refused to let the side down and is still powering around the bogs of Kildare, albeit on her tod because the rest of us couldn't be bothered.
She doesn't like walking on her own so she decided to put an ad on www.locanto.ie seeking company.
"What did you say in it?" I asked her.
"Married woman, aged 49, looking for another woman to go for friendly, morning walks around Kildare."
"Were you nearly killed in the stampede of replies?" I said, with just a tad of sarcasm.
No, she wasn't. She received just one reply from a lady called Noelle.
"She sounds quiet sweet, actually," said Maggie. "She sent me two emails saying she lives near Dublin airport but would be willing to drive down for morning walks and can't wait to meet me."
Two things occurred to me. Firstly, Maggie is inclined to read things the way she wants to read them rather than what is actually on the page. Secondly, why would someone be willing to drive all the way down from Dublin to Kildare just to go for a walk?
"How did this Noelle spell her name?" I asked.
Patsy slapped her forehead and shrieked "Oh for the love of Jaysus, Maggie, you've read it wrong again. She's a he and, what's more is, he is reading your 'friendly morning walks' as a euphemism for something else."
Maggie stared at her blankly but she needn't have worried. Patsy was only too happy to explain.
"He thinks you are in the market to do the no-pants dance, the four-legged foxtrot, the horizontal tango. He is on his way down to Kildare to toot his flute."
"But ... but I said I was looking for woman and that I was married," Maggie stuttered.
Patsy rolled her eyes in a way that implied Maggie was as thick as two short planks.
"You might as well have put up an ad that said 'bored, middle-aged housewife looking for a man to fornicate with before my husband comes home'. I hope to God you didn't reply."
By the look on Maggie's face showed that not only had she replied, but that she had also handed over her vital statistics, phone number, bank details and what she weighs without her clothes on.
"Never, ever trust the internet," Patsy intoned solemnly.
This from a woman who, before she met Jose, listed herself on a dating website as Kiki, aged 30, with a good sense of humour ...