>THURSDAY Concorde Travel and Maltese Tourist Authority in their wisdom have decided to send me through the hilly part of Valetta on a Segway. We navigate our way down to the harbour and back up hill without mishap, though that cat will think twice before trying to cross the road again.
>FRIDAY The best thing about Malta? They know what they do and do it well: good food, nice wine, five-star hotels that really deserve five stars. They also speak English, which is presumably why we go there instead of Lipari.
>SATURDAY Michael O'Leary's Maltese Warrior Knights are at Valetta Airport to try to get as many passenger bags NOT to fit in to the cage as possible. The cage was invented by Easyjet, who do not have a baggage weight restriction. Ryanair have turned it into a torture device, a 21st-century Iron Maiden.
>SUNDAY Pink Martini are in the National Concert Hall. The RTE Orchestra back them in a groundswell of melody that sends everyone home happy. They invited me up on stage -- my first appearance at the NCH, clapping two pieces of wood together in rhythmic ecstasy.
>MONDAY Ryanair say it hasn't jacked up the price of the flight to Tallinn -- soccer fans did, by buying up the seats. Then Ryanair put on a new flight with tickets at ¤100 not ¤20.
>TUESDAY Flying with Virgin from Heathrow T3 it scarcely matters I am in business class; Virgin treat economy passengers better than most treat business clients.
>WEDNESDAY The Sarova Stanley Hotel is in the heart of the business district of Nairobi.
Nairobi is a sprawling, traffic jam of a city. Kenya is in crisis: there are half a million refugees in a refugee camp 250 miles from here and a kidnapping epidemic in the north.
But tonight is party night in the Zanze Bar, as fine a bar as you would find on the Costa and later at nearby Florida 2000, an eccentric nightclub.
People avoid Africa because of poverty. They should come here because of poverty.
Africa gets 2pc of the world's tourism, if it got even 4pc the continent's infrastructure and sense of self-esteem would grow disproportionately.
Tourism money is aid money.