Wednesday 13 December 2017

17 things you don’t need to do this St Patrick’s Day (but everyone does…)

Dublin was voted the second friendliest urban area in a survey
Dublin was voted the second friendliest urban area in a survey

It’s St. Patrick’s Day on Tuesday. Is there any use in pretending that things won’t get messy across Dublin city centre come March 17?

Probably not. You know you’re going to end up spending money on shamrocks, flags, T-shirts, hats, face paint and booze.

It’s the same thing every year with hundreds of thousands of Dubliners taking to the streets, reinforcing stereotypes and reminding the rest of the world that nobody – we repeat, nobody – throws a party like the Irish. It might get loud out there, folks.

With this in mind, we’ve compiled a list of the things you don’t need to do this March 17 (but you just know that everyone will).

Remember – we tried to warn you…


1. You don’t need to…embrace the diddly-eye

Begorrah and bejaysus, there are bodhrans everywhere. The Dubliners and Christy Moore are on repeat in every pub, to be sure, to be sure (we’ll stop now). Indeed, the official soundtrack to Paddy’s Day in Dublin comes fully equipped with tin whistles, banjos and accordions galore. Do us all a favour and try to remember that you wouldn’t tolerate this sort of dated paddywhackery on any other day of the year. So, please, stop trying to sing along. Especially if you don’t know the words.

2. Hijack a local that isn’t yours 

“Of all the (Guinness) joints in all the towns in all the world, they walked into mine”. Or something to that effect. Yes, you just know that a gang of young ‘uns in red wigs and oversized Oirish hats from the nearest Carrolls gift shop are going to take up residency in YOUR pub. Probably because it looked and sounded “traditional” from the outside (the Dubliners were blaring from the stereo).

Oh well, at least the bar staff will be kept busy. Spare a thought, though, for the poor regulars who thought they’d pop out for a quiet one…

3. Don a novelty T-shirt

As in, the “Kiss Me, I'm Irish” brigade. Look, if you do happen to get lucky on Tuesday night, rest assured it’ll have to nothing to do with what you’re wearing. Especially if you’re wearing THAT shirt (or a plastic arse over your jeans). The same applies to anyone even considering heading out in a paddy cap.

4. Dye your hair green 

One question: why? It’ll only leave a mess in the sink / shower.

5. Get s***-faced drunk

This one applies to the teens (crikey, lads, slow down…no, wait, someone call their parents) and their big brothers and sisters (someone get that lot a taxi). Just because it’s National Celebrate All Things Irish Day doesn’t give you an excuse to go nuts and start drinking before noon, knocking back cheap cans of cider in the park.
Do you really want to make a holy show of yourself this March 17? It’s supposed to be a day out for all the family, so try to set a good example, yeah? Take it easy and keep in mind that falling about the shop at 3pm with a stale, half-empty beverage in one hand and a stinky bag of chips in the other isn’t a good look.

6. Drink Guinness for breakfast 
Yeah, good luck staying on your feet at lunch-time. (See No 5)

7. Watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People

No. No, you’ve already seen this one. Sean Connery’s vocal talents (or lack thereof) were funny the first time around, but believe me, it’s not worth putting yourself through again. There has to be something else on.

8. Watch The Quiet Man. Ah, here now…

9. Arrive late for the parade.
No use waiting around, folks - you’ve already missed the dragon. The chap dressed as Bang Bang has come and gone. You could try following them up the road but, you know, crowds. Game’s over. Come back (early) next year. You’ll catch it on the RTE Player tomorrow.

10. Panic about wearing something green.
You do this every year. You don’t recall having ever spent money on an Ireland rugby / soccer jersey, so what makes you think you’re going to find one at the bottom of the ironing basket?

11. Claim a little Irish heritage.

This one goes out to all the American tourists sharing stories about their mother’s second cousin’s uncle’s girlfriend from the land of Ballybelowsomewhere in County Whayamacallit over a pint of the black stuff. Your intentions are good, but we’d like you more if you kept the bull**** to a minimum.

12. Descend upon Temple Bar.
Welcome to the end of the world; there’s a certain green and orange glow to it, isn’t there?

13. Buy a bowl of stew from that large, open-air bath yoke on Essex Street.

It’s there every year. You’ll regret that one in the morning.

14. Forget to eat.

See No. 6.

15. Break lent with a green milkshake from McDonalds.

See No. 13.

16. Forget that Paddy’s Day this year falls on a school night.

Best of luck getting up in the morning. Especially if you ignore No. 5.

17. Go out (as in, don’t do it).

Yep, you could always stock up on goodies, shut yourself away from the madness, switch off your phones and stay in. Enjoy the day off in your PJs; you’re bound to find something on the telly that doesn’t involve John Wayne / Sean Connery / the parade. Might we suggest Leprechaun? Yep, that cult US horror comedy from the 90s starring Jennifer Aniston in her breakout role (no, seriously). You haven’t seen it? Try the Syfy channel. You can thank us later…

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