The 30 things every Dubliner does on a night out
It’s a big out night. The place is buzzing. Everyone’s on their third drink.
Stop now and you might just save yourself a world of pain in the morning. But you’ll never learn. It’s okay – none of us ever will. Chances are,
we’re all having the same conversations in this joint (yes, we just used the word ‘joint’ – we tend to say silly things like that when we’ve had a few).
Why else do we get a laugh and blush whenever someone else shares a drunken story? Easy - because we’ve all been there. Some of us might even go there again this weekend. So, yeah, we all do / say the same things on a night out. Call it an Irish thing, call it what you will, but we guarantee you’re only too familiar with at least a handful of these classics. You probably did these all on Saturday night and chances are, you'll do them this Saturday night...
1. “Do you fancy a pint?” Yes, of course we do. But why does nobody ever mention the other six or seven? It’s as though we’re too afraid to be honest with each other. Then again, the alternative (“fancy getting drunk and trying to solve the world’s problems?”) doesn’t have the same ring to it now, does it?
2. Solving the world’s problems. Oh Christ, this really is a big one. Getting political, too, can end badly. The first one to place their hand on another person’s shoulder has to buy the next round. Because we all know what that age-old, condescending shoulder pat means…
3. You forget you’re broke and start spending cash like it’s bloody Monopoly money. Yep, that last round did, indeed, come to €36. And, there are only three of you out tonight. That’s what happens when you try out that rip-off cocktail spot in Temple Bar (you know the one).
4. Tell everybody about the things you used to be good at in school. As if it really matters anymore. Or, you know, brag about your Leaving Cert results or the career paths you could have taken were it not for X, Y and Z.
5. Tell everybody you’re just “having the one” / “up early in the morning”. File next to No. 1. Because we all know where it’s going to end.
6. Justify the next drink / tell everyone that you “never do this.” File next to No. 1.
7. Make friends with the chap at the urinal next to you. It’s how Ultimate BFFs meet these days.
8. Apologise. You apologise for everything after a couple of drinks. The way you treated your mates as a teenager; not getting that last round in; the music in this joint (sorry), etc.
9. Apologise for nothing (six drinks in). None of it is your fault. What is ‘it’, exactly? Oh, everything, don’t you know. And, it’s all someone else’s wrong-doing / the end of the world.
10. Dance like your old man. They said it’d happen someday. ‘They’ being everyone in your family who warned you about life in your 30s. Such a shame you never listened.
11. Blame the drunkenness on everything but the alcohol (it was definitely “the air” or the fact that you skipped dessert – oh no, nowt to do with the shots).
12. Dance like Bruno Mars in the Uptown Funk video. Because you’ve been secretly practising at your desk. Every day at lunch.
13. Criticise the stranger next to you. State of them and all.
14. Try to chat up the stranger next to you. Just look at them and all.
15. Fix everyone’s lives. Not the world’s problems – no, this is something a little more personal. It’s always easy to spot the Jeremy Kyles in the crowd. Be warned – these smug, self-satisfied gits usually open with one of three lines:
a) “Now, what you need to do next is…”
b) “I mean this in the best possible way…”
c) “I had the same problem…”
16. Start crying. There’s always one. Half the time, there is no bigger reason. You’re just emotional, is all. Plus, gin.
17. Sit all night with the person who’s crying. There’s always one. And you know it’s going to be you.
18. Complain about the noise (you’re getting old), the bar man (you were, in fact, here first, thank you very much) and the bouncer (he looked at you all funny, like). Not necessarily in that order. Now, repeat.
19. Go nuts about the club admission price. Despite the fact that you ALWAYS come here.
20. Annoy the DJ (he hasn’t got any bleedin’ Fleetwood Mac, okay?).
21. Give out loads about the smokers in here. Despite the fact that you’re out in the smoking area and you will, at some point, bum a cigarette from someone (while complaining about the cold…and the smell of smoke).
22. Remove your shoes. Imagine if a bloke did this. Just imagine.
23. Allow someone else’s laugh to get under your skin. Stupid noisy cacklers.
24. Order all the food at Charlie’s. All of it.
25. Annoy the taxi driver with stories from the night. Well, he did ask us if it was a good one…
26. Check in on Facebook and post pictures of your drinks. That’ll make your friends well jell. And besides, everyone does it.
27. Take selfies. And knock over somebody’s pint while you’re at it.
28. Make friends with EVERYONE NEW and fall out with EVERYONE YOU KNOW.
29. Commit yourself to something huge like, you know, half-marathons. Or double dates. This one usually comes after you’ve told EVERYONE (NEW AND OLD) that you love them.
30. Convince yourself that you are actually invincible. Newsflash - you’re not. So, don’t be stupid and always get a taxi home. Stay safe and stay together, folks.