Tuesday 12 December 2017

Rough around the edges but headed for stardom

> "IN weather, it's going to be absolute brassers for the next ages." They speak truth on DSFM, 93.9fm, where Iain O'Connor's Fumbally Lane takes things as seriously as necessary. Iain started the show about a year ago, and it slid anarchically from a music show to the tongue-in-cheek fun it is now, as he dragged in comedians Joe Burke and Emma Cullinane.

It's still a bit raw, but they're going to be stars.

In further news: "Wayne Rooney might be out for up to three weeks for Manchester United. He suffered an incredibly severe neck injury after an unbelievably quick about-face he made last week. The club physio has recommended treatment by lying on a giant bed of cash."

On Monday Iain and Joe were riffing on a news story from Costa Mesa in California, where a driver took pity on a poor homeless woman. "It's all right," she said, "you can sleep in my car."

That was 10 months ago. "When she found the woman dead in the car, she was afraid to tell police." So she parked the car up somewhere, and the body gradually mummified.

Or that's the theory. Maybe it's different. "She just drove around, she put some sunglasses, did some Weekend at Bernie's-style shenanigans with her -- 'Eyyy, beep-beep, yer friend's kinda quiet!'?"

It gets worse -- the driver herself was a former estate agent (most pitiable of creatures) who'd fallen on hard times and was herself staying with friends.

If you're looking for post-boom irony, look no further. Coming to you from Pathos Central.

> Senator Shane "It's monstrous!" Ross went wild on Mooney Goes Wild about the Seanad. "I'll tell you what the composition is now. It's got 11 Taoiseach's nominees -- that is pure patronage! That's 11 out of 60 -- it's a huge proportion," he foamed.

"Then you've got 43 members who are elected by the county councillors of Ireland. They are all committee members of political parties. The party leaders of Fine Gael, Fianna Fail and Labour get their own people in there.

"Then you've got the six independent university senators, or five as there are at the moment, I'll leave you to judge them for yourself -- I'm one of them."

With a brief swipe from Monstrous at the gape of the week -- the citizen-funded Mercs with our fat-cat rulers sailing into Farmleigh to work out how to cut our standard of living -- Mooney moved on to the real world. The hot press. How tidy is yours? Lavender-scented, ribbon-tied, crisp sheets? Or bundles of creased and crushed clothes?

Carolynn Doyle of FamilyFlow told listeners how to have the perfect press -- with tips like tying up a parcel of duvet cover, sheet and pillowcases for each person in the family, so they can reach in and get the makings of the bed.

It made me long for the shelves I saw in Joyful Honda (Japan's supergiant home supplies store). Designed for the kitchen, they would be perfect for hot presses. You reached up, crooked a finger and pulled gently, and down swung the wire shelf with all its contents. You took what you needed, and gave a gentle push, and up it rose and clicked into place.

Not possible with the standard kludgy design. "I just take a bit of a run, fire the sheet up to the top," said Brenda Donohue, "and it falls right back down." And we're back to the economy. Perfect description of the Farmleigh plutocrats' attempts to set it right.

Fumbally Lane, DSFM, Mondays Mooney Goes Wild, Radio 1, weekdays

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