Saturday 20 January 2018


1.When Cheryl (far right0 says, "I'm not going to patronise you," she's going to patronise you. And when Chezza says she respects you not only as a woman -- oh yes -- but also as an artist, you have to wonder. So many things. Like, what would Nicole Scherzinger say? That's right. Probably something along those lines.

2.What was the visual assault that was Treyc's dress on Saturday night? What's with the 'directional' fashion choices this year? The stylists should calm down on the Lady GaGa lite.

3.Cheryl's avowed respect for Mary (left) kinda makes up for her post malaria ennui this year. Mary doesn't have the styling or choreography with motorbikes, she's just -- whisper it -- really good. So, I'm going to agree with Louis (right) and concur that she's doing us proud.

4.A nigh-on perfect quiff is the grail in showbiz. You can list on one hand the amount of people who've peaked in hair terms: Elvis, Amy Winehouse, Imelda May. Which is why everyone knew there was no way Aiden Grimshaw was going anywhere last night, despite his poor performance on Saturday.

5. I think I preferred Dr Evil's version of It's A Hard Knock Life from Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me to Cher Lloyd's. Sure, she can rap, but so can Jedward...

6 Wagner is the king of The X Factor jungle. He used to have a pet lion. As only he should. He's also reported to be seeing Mary Byrne. And when he was asked by Simon if he was "getting it on" with Mary, he answered as only a gentleman would. Dannii may not understand what he's singing, but be assured it's the language of love.

7.Even a whole circus complete with men on stilts couldn't make Diana Vickers not look like a magician's assistant who'd popped out to the shops for a pint of milk without putting her trousers on.

8.God knows, Katy Perry could win any Lovely Girls contest she set her cap at, but she would be well advised to leave the pink hair and spangly outfits to Storm Lee. He, in turn, should leave the whole pop star thing to her. And Bono. And whichever 'artist' or other he insists on mentioning in the same breath as himself.

9. Diva Fever make me want to be a better person, honest. But in the end, opening your eyes really wide and being all energetic just doesn't make you sound any less like pretty good karaoke at the pub on a Saturday night. It's a tricky one.

10. Dannii's sense of irony is alive and well. Saying that Belle Amie should stop whining is a bit rich coming from the woman whose autobiography contains graphic scenes of a whingey nature, particularly where Sharon Osbourne is concerned. Ah well. Simon will forgive you eventually, chuck.


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