| 8.9°C Dublin

It's the end of your reign, Your Madgesty

THE woman with her ass showing doesn't like the rain. She's even got somebody to hold a brolly over her head. Poor chap.I wonder how much he's getting paid to keep Her Madgesty dry.

Perhaps he's one of the, erm, dancers who had his head blown off earlier in the set. You know, when Madonna went apes*** with some fake guns in a fake hotel room. Poor Madonna.

It can't be easy, looking out at a sea of rain ponchos and empty seats. Every now and then, the bendy 53-year-old asks us if the rain has stopped.

She even requests that we say a few prayers. To make it go away, like. Worse still, she has several thousand punters on her side, desperate for the woman to forget about MDNA and remember what made people fall in love with her in the first place. Poor fools.

This isn't some greatest hits tour with a thrilling set list and dazzling showmanship. This is a sham -- a big-budget, charm-free, Auto-Tuned mess of a concert.

And I'm not sure what's worse -- Madonna pretending to play a guitar, or Madonna jumping around the stage pretending to be a superhero. Or a cheerleader. Either way, it's embarrassing.


And then there's the voice. A lot of what we're hearing isn't live. The rest is simply atrocious. Hung Up is a robotic mess.

Papa Don't Preach lasts for about two minutes. Like a Virgin is reduced to little more than an awkward strip routine, during which our brazen idol drops her microphone while trying to hold an umbrella for herself (never happened to Rihanna, Madge).

And speaking of modern pop princesses, Lady Gaga gets a mention. Yep, Madonna sings Gaga's Born This Way (well, just the chorus). And the next track? She's Not Me (well, just the chorus). A montage of video clips reminds us of the pop star she once was. Tonight, she's all over the place.

There are a few exceptions. Vogue plays out well. Like a Prayer goes down a treat, too. But that's it. Indeed, for a massive pop show courtesy of one of the most famous artists in the world, this sure was boring to look at. Like a lengthy music video. Only, worse.

And, yes, it really does rain a lot in Ireland, Madonna. Best to stay away in future. For everyone's sake. HIIII