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Thursday 14 December 2017

Emily Joyce: Week 9

Mother has managed to wipe the smile off my Facebook, and the net result is... no sex

Monday

AM. Woo hoo! Owen is finally back from his business trip, so am enjoying lots of presents, back rubs and wine. Have earmarked this evening for a night of scrummy dinner followed by filthius maximus sex. Luvverly.

PM. Feck. Totally forgot it's my dad's birthday tonight, and parents have invited me and Owen around for dinner. Just spent the last 20 minutes trying to wangle my way out of it. Mother did her usual guilt trip: "That's fine. We'll be okay here on our own. Your dad probably doesn't have many birthdays left, so I'm sure he'll enjoy all the extra cake that'll be left over." Told her we'd be around at 7pm ... neglected to mention we'll be scarpering early for raucous sex.

Tuesday

AM. Bloody hell. Mother got all squiffy last night and wanted to know what this "MyFacebook lark" was about. After gently explaining to her the difference between MySpace and Facebook, Owen was then ever so polite in giving her a guided tutorial. So the parents were attempting to appear cool in front of my fiancé and my fiancé was attempting to appear easy-going and accepting in front of them, which meant we ended up staying until after midnight. Sex was put on the back burner, and not in the way I would've liked.

PM. Mother been on to tell me what a lovely night she had and now has the confidence to try using the laptop she bought in Aldi two years ago. Whoopee.

Wednesday

AM. Aggh! Logged on to find a Facebook friend request from Mother. Nightmare!

PM. Queen Julian empathising. His mother joined Facebook and is always making annoying comments about his online activities. When he joined the Rainbow Alliance group, she made a comment about how she felt he was "a bit too big for Zippy and George". Feckin' Facebook parents need to know that us kids didn't think you were cool when we were 16 and you were pretending to like grunge, and we still don't think that you're cool now that we're 34, so shag off.

Thursday

AM. Mother just been on the phone to ask me if I noticed yet that she was on Facebook. Tried to explain to her the fact that I (reluctantly) accepted her friend request suggests that, yes, I did notice that she was on Facebook, but don't think it registered.

PM. Double aggh! Just logged on to find that Mother has sent several Facebook friend suggestions, including my Great Auntie Betty and some Dutch bloke with a leather cap called Rolfie.

Friday

AM. Phone call from Mother to ask me did I want her to send me some fertiliser through FarmVille. Updated my Facebook status to, "what part of 'piss off I'm working' do you not understand!?".

PM. Just noticed that Mother now has 57 friends more than I do, several of which are my ex-boyfriends. Thinking about starting up a new enterprise -- a social-networking website for people over 55. Working title: Wrinkly Facebook.

Keep up with Emily's week on emilyjoycediary.wordpress.com

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