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Sunday 17 December 2017

Emily Joyce: Desserts

Week 11: There’s one substitute for illicit sex: desserts. Just don’t combine the two

Monday

AM. Spent the whole weekend avoiding Owen's sexalicious friend William for fear of instantly falling into bed with him. I am not that person anymore; I am happily engaged. So spent a considerable amount of time researching National Retro Dessert Week (NRDW). My findings were that there is a lot of ground to cover, so it might be more prudent to initiate a National Retro Dessert Month -- or at least a fortnight.

PM. Harked back to the good old days at lunchtime with a bowl of Strawberry Angel Delight; it's like re-discovering an old friend! It will definitely feature, but Arctic Roll isn't even getting a look in, that shit can feck right off. It's one of those treats from your childhood that's best left as a memory, a bit like Wham Bars or Bird's Trifle Mix.

Tuesday

AM. So many more desserts to explore but still find myself re-visiting the jam doughnut -- it really is a revelation. Although it has to be said, doughnuts are definitely smaller than I remember when I was a kid, and I don't buy the whole Creme Egg USA debacle where they peddled the crappy excuse of "it didn't get smaller, you've just grown up". Me hole! The bastards have shrunk them.

PM. Bored at work and found myself looking at William's Facebook photo again. I feel dirty. How can I even sleep with this guilty conscience?

Wednesday

AM. Couldn't sleep last night, however, nothing to do with guilt over a yet-to-be-committed forbidden sexual encounter and everything to do with pondering the issue of what kind of retro dessert one might partake of on Paddy's Day (eg: today).

PM. Got it! Answer: I'm advocating bread and butter pudding, because it's dense and therefore provides soakage for the vast amount of alcohol that will be consumed. It just goes to show how desserts can be functional as well as delicious. Will put theory to the test with the ceremonial joining of said pudding and Guinness.

Thursday

AM. Ugh! The above... not my finest idea... more sleep now.

PM. Tummy sick but must push ahead for the sake of NRDW. A slice of Pineapple Swiss Roll will make me feel better.

Friday

AM. Still sick at home, but thankfully Owen coming around later with some mags and a bag of jam doughnuts.

PM. After days of avoiding William, Owen brings him around while I am stuck on the sofa looking like Death's ageing auntie in crappy PJs. Things got a bit heated when William asked for a taste of my jam doughnut. Unable to resist, I offered him some, only to have him take a bite right from the jammy part. Like, who in the history of the universe has ever thought it was okay to bite the middle part of jam doughnut? Any normal, polite person would take their bite from the side. Thankfully, I now don't find William remotely attractive due to his social ineptness. Crisis averted.

Keep up with Emily's week on emilyjoycediary.wordpress.com

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