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Monday 11 December 2017

Diary of a yummy drummy: Chick lit

Aoife has been strangely silent since I sent her the draft of my first short story, says Saoirse O'Brien

I sent Aoife That Flat-Chested Ho Used to Be My Friend, this short story I've written (part of my debut collection), and I haven't heard a peep out of her since.

All she had to do was email me back straight away to say that it was the best thing she'd ever read and that I'm the next Raymond Carver. Not that she's ever read any Raymond Carver. God bless our Aoife -- she wouldn't be the sharpest knife in the cutlery drawer. She moves her lips when she reads and she's partly the reason the chick-lit industry in Ireland is still flourishing. She reads them as fast as Cecelia Ahern can write them. On our last holiday to Sardinia I'd never seen so many pink sparkly covers with pictures of Martini glasses on them. I was embarrassed to be seen beside her at the pool.

Anyway, thinking of Aoife's shit taste in books got the cogs turning. My thoughts went as follows: A) All chick-lit writers are loaded and B) How hard could it be to write something like that?

So I booted the old man off his laptop because mine got stolen when I left it in the library to go on the piss before my Christmas exams; he was all, "Fuck's sake, Saoirse, I have a major meeting in the morning", and I was like: "What about me and my career? It's typical of your generation. You're so selfish. Like, you're the ones who're responsible for global warming." He went really red in the face then, but I think he was doing that counting to ten thing that his therapist told him to practice in anger management.

I did a quick outline of my characters. Once I have them the plot will write itself. So, the main character, Sarah, is a stunningly petite girl from Goatstown with hair that many have compared to Cheryl Cole's. She lives with her wise-cracking best friend, Amber, a part-time lesbian, who ultimately betrays her.

Honestly, writing really is a piece of piss.

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