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Friday 24 November 2017

THE OZONE: Women and bats

- MONDAY OZone had an important meeting with a particularly cute female colleague this morning. "Hey there, sugar tits," I said, by way of greeting. "You're looking really hot today. When are you going to dump that deadbeat boyfriend of yours and shack up with me? "

"Oh, you're awful," she tittered. "Would you ever stop with your nonsense."

"Nice ass, baby," I commented, as she sashayed across the room. "I'd love to put you over my knee and give you a damn good spanking!"

"In your dreams!" she retorted, but wiggled her pert rear end anyway.

We kept this flirty banter up throughout the meeting, as we always do. Just before we finished, though, I asked had she heard about the recent fruit bat controversy in UCC.

"Fruit bats?" she said, quizzically.

"Yeah -- apparently they perform oral sex on each other," I explained.

"Humans aside, fruit bats are the only other creatures to . . ."

Suddenly, she slapped me hard across the face: "YOU DISGUSTING PERVERT!!!" she screamed.

"HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!!!"

Women, eh? Bats!

- Tuesday Fairly immediate reaction from some family and friends to today's Herald column. I'd opened with a rant about my bank sending me an email looking for my account details.

Several related texts arrive, one of which is from my concerned sister, Jennifer: "Are you sure the email from your bank was legit? There's a bank scam called phishing that is circulating at the moment."

I text back, pointing out that she obviously hadn't reached the end of the column.

And also mentioning that I've just done a lucrative financial deal with a deposed member of the Nigerian royal family.

- Wednesday Hic, hic . . . hooray!!! To the Roisin Dubh to celebrate the Laughter Lounge's fifth birthday, hosted by Steve Cummins. There are two main sets by Australian comic Damo Clark and the UK's Addy Van Der Borgh, and a series of short five-minute spots by Ben Buckley, Robbie Bonham, Danny Dowling, John Donnellan and Peter Byrne.

The short sets are fantastic. Donnellan winds up waving a pair of his fiancee's panties around the place (I could tell you why, but she'd kill him), while Dowling (who's a Kiwi) does a spot-on imitation of a hardcore Mayo GAA fan.

This partly involves him chewing on a block of cheddar cheese and taking big bites out of a raw onion.

Afterwards he comes over and asks what I thought. "You were brilliant, but please stop f**kin' breathing on me!"

Line of the night, though, goes to Peter Byrne. He runs Dublin's Bankers Comedy Club, and bears more than a passing resemblance to actor Colm Meaney.

"I like Meaney but I find his role in Star Trek totally unbelievable," Byrne confides.

"It's not that an Irishman could get a job on the Starship Enterprise. It's the idea that he could keep it for eight years."

- Thursday OZone has mentioned his recent Courtney Love interview in Glasgow a couple of times in the past fortnight. What I didn't mention was what she told me about her lesbian fling with Kate Moss in Milan back in the '90s. "It's a great story for the grandchildren," she told me. "It was just a thing that happened in Milan in the '90s. It happened and it was fun and whatever. And she talks about it and so I hope she doesn't get mad that I outed her about it. But she was like 'Oh, remember Milan? Remember Milan?' And I think Gavin [Rossdale] was there and Nellee Hooper was there and it was like . . . you know."

I suspected it would be big news, but I'm still surprised at the reaction when it's published in Hot Press today. Within 24 hours, that quote is being reported worldwide. It's even mentioned on Fox News.

OZone must admit to feeling very proud of himself. Scoop! This is what I got into journalism for -- to break vitally important stories about the Sapphic sex lives of rock stars and supermodels.

- Friday Not a great day for Irish music -- or at least not for Irish musicians. First comes the surprise news that Ronan Keating and his missus are set to split.

OZone isn't a fan of Keating's muzak, but he seems like a genuinely decent guy (offside shagging aside, obviously). Many years ago, when I was stuck for money and hungry for fame, I appeared as an extra in the video for Boyzone's You Needed Me. Over the course of an extremely long day's shoot in Ardmore Studios, he was the only member of the band to take the time to talk to us. Everybody still thought he was a tosser, but it was a nice gesture.

Anyway, marital separation is no fun for anybody -- especially with young children involved -- so I genuinely hope they work things out.

Meanwhile, over in Munich, Bono has been rushed to hospital for emergency spinal surgery following an accident while he was rehearsing for the next leg of U2's 360° Tour.

Last year I interviewed Edge shortly before the band's Croke Park shows and asked the fateful question: what would happen to the tour if Larry breaks his arm or something like that?

"We don't like to think about that," Edge laughed.

"You know, we are all pretty much indispensable. We'd probably find a way of getting by, but it would not be the same -- that's for sure. Unfortunately, no one really has a direct understudy. It's not like a theatre production where someone can take your place if you get ill, so we'd probably have to postpone shows."

That's exactly what's happened. U2's opening show in Salt Lake City on June 3 has now been postponed. Other dates are also in jeopardy, including their headlining slot at Glastonbury.

Hopefully he'll get well soon.

- Sunday OZone has gone on this new alcohol-only diet. The results are astonishing. So far, I've lost two days and three friends . . .

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