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The O-Zone: Shame on you

- MONDAY Oy vey! You can say what you like about the Israelis (unless, of course, you're Tommy Tiernan), but nobody can deny that the self-styled "chosen people" have got a great sense of humour.

Following last night's deadly attack on a protest flotilla carrying humanitarian aid through international waters, Israel defended its actions by claiming its heavily armed soldiers -- rather pirates -- were "ambushed with knives and metal bars". Leaving them with no choice but to shoot nine people dead.

As defences go, it's up there with, "Your honour, he viciously attacked my steel-toed boot with his forehead." Shame on you, Israel.

- Tuesday To London for a sneak listening preview of Robert Plant's forthcoming album, Band Of Joy. Although it won't be released until September, Universal Records obviously have high hopes for it. They've flown journalists in from as far away as Australia to play them the album just once. Security is tight and all mobiles and recording devices have to be handed in at the door.

The long-haired former Led Zeppelin frontman is present himself. "I used to be in a psychedelic band but there's never been a more surreal point than this one."

Although I'm sworn to secrecy, I doubt anyone at the record company will object to me telling you that the new album is absolutely superb.

- Wednesday Ivor Callely . . . ha, ha, ha.

- Thursday Back in the last century, OZone roadtested Viagra for the now defunct Irish men's magazine Himself. The Late Late Show subsequently asked myself and a couple of other journalists on to discuss our experiences. Mine was the least successful. I agreed to hook up with an occasional f**k-buddy, popped a blue pill and . . . she stood me up. Fun night!

I mention this only because OZone's been experiencing some penile problems. Fear not, readers! I can still get it up, but it's becoming really hard work. I should probably think about getting another person in to help.

Anyway, there's no great mystery to it. I'm 39 years of age, and have spent much of the last two decades unwisely abusing myself with drink, drugs, bad food and deadline stress. So thank f**k for modern medicine. Reluctantly to my doctor's to get a Viagra prescription.

He's a great guy and a brilliant doctor, good at putting patients at ease. "Well, Olaf, the thing is that ED -- or erectile dysfunction -- is something that a lot of men feel uncomfortable talking about but the reality is . . ."

"Honestly, I'm not embarrassed in the least," I tell him, interrupting. "Actually, I'm going to write about it in my column next week."

Having checked my blood pressure and pulse, he's reluctant to give me a prescription. "Your readings are extremely worrying," he informs me. "You're in imminent danger of having a heart attack or stroke."

"Oh, come on, doctor," I protest. "You told me exactly the same thing 18 months ago. How can I possibly take you seriously?"

- Friday To the Roisin Dubh for the Galway leg of the Jagermeister Freezer Sessions. In return for a crate of booze, OZone has agreed to introduce the three bands playing -- Mullingar's The Aftermath, Dublin's Director and Galway's Disconnect 4.

It's by far the easiest gig I've ever done. The bands are hanging out backstage when I arrive, and all seem to know each other well already. With absolutely no need for me to do any introductions, I grab my crate and head for home.

- Saturday Galway is buzzing this June bank holiday weekend as an estimated 150,000 people descend on the city for two separate events -- the Little Havana Festival and the Galway Powerboat Festival.

Although the harbour area is thronged, Sheridans on the Docks is sadly closed.

OZone's favourite local hostelry was forced to shut down last week and it doesn't look like it will be reopening.

Having discovered that the locks had been changed overnight, proprietor Seamus Sheridan was informed that his four-year lease was being terminated ahead of its February 2011 expiry date because he hadn't renewed the early-morning licence.

While Seamus accepts that his landlord has a "watertight" legal case, he maintains that he didn't renew the licence because he didn't want to open those hours out of consideration for his neighbours -- an attitude the local gardai fully supported.

Having built a deservedly brilliant reputation, the high-end upstairs restaurant has been widely acclaimed and this year made both the Michelin and Bridgestone guides.

Although it was fully booked up until August, and the downstairs bar was regularly jammed, its staff of 14 have suddenly been consigned to the dole queue.

Having ploughed more than €150,000 into refurbishing the building, Seamus is shocked and inconsolable. "All the staff are absolutely devastated. Everyone is in tears. The work they put into this place was phenomenal. There was never one hand raised in anger in that pub in four years."

The landlord might have the law on his side, but forcibly closing a popular bar and restaurant on the eve of one of the busiest weekends of the year is obviously regrettable -- especially in the current economic climate. One of the city's best restaurants is gone, 14 people are on the dole, and OZone now has to find a new local.

It's the end of a short but glorious era: Sheridans on the Docks will never be replaced. Cheers for the good times, Seamus!

- Sunday While the Gaelic Athletic Association has a long history of scandals, they generally involve mindless violence and club secretaries stealing money. So OZone is amazed to read today that they've finally had a sex scandal.

Greg Jacob, a former member of the Wexford senior hurling panel, appeared in the X-rated Sex Tour of Ireland, alongside busty British porn star Tanya Tate. "It was just a bit of fun, it was a dare from the lads," he said.

"I'm not ashamed of what I did, I just didn't want the family to know."

Obviously a hurler with more than just a big stick, I suppose the only question now is will Jacob go on to do GAA for pay?