herald

Tuesday 12 December 2017

it was the way he told them...

FRANK CARSON'S JOKES:

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got Viagra?"

"Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist.

"No," he replies. "But I've got a photo of my wife ... "

I rang British Telecom and said: "I want to report a nuisance caller."

He replied: "Not you again."

A fella walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp."

The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps."

The fella says: "There's one in the window."

Paddy is woken in the middle of the night by a phone call. The caller says: "Is that Dublin 22 33 22?"

Paddy says: "No it's Dublin 223 322."

The caller apologises for waking him in the middle of the night.

Paddy says "Oh it's all right, I had to get up to answer the phone anyhow."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: "You've got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."

My father fought in World War I single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

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